home sweet home...for a day

hellooooo...i'm home!! i can't tell you how happy i am to no longer be on a plane with a crick in my neck, sitting next to a large, smelly, and slightly rude man, and with airplane headphones that don't work, having missed the drink service because i had dozed off, having woken up at 4am to catch my 6:30am flight an hour's drive away, only to find that the flight was delayed because the flight crew arrived late that morning (what IS that??). rraaarrgh!!

it just made the moment ever sweeter in which i stepped into my apartment after having waited for a shuttle in the rain, rode for over an hour in it and lugged my bags up the stairs with my weak, tired and stiff legs. i opened the door and immediately an imaginary choir heralded my homecoming. you know how you feel so good that you imagine choruses of people singing a heavenly note "Aaaaaah...!" That's what i mean.

i should be sleeping right now; instead, as soon as i was home i cleaned my entire bathroom, did some laundry, and picked up around my room. so typical. i wonder why i always persist in doing anything but sleep even when i'm so tired my head is throbbing.

and alas, this little retreat from outside interaction is shortlived. tomorrow i hop on another plane and head down to SoCal to spend new year's, coming back the day after (on new year's day), and the day after that, going back to work. *sigh*

baby part deux

oh and you can see my beautiful niece on the sidebar link to my brother's blog (Mike 'n' Annette). :D

drama, friends and fondue

i have come full circle today, friends. after some SERIOUS falling out drama last night with someone in the family, and i'll spare you the gory details, i was totally crushed, angry, insulted, guilty, depressed, embarrassed, and frustrated all rolled into one me. i spent much of the day pretty much incapacitated, stuck at home and wanting to see friends but not really wanting to leave the house, wanting family but not really wanting it...and all the time wondering how my life became so dramatic all of a sudden.

thank goodness my girlfriend stayed on the phone with me from across the country, trying her best to support me even though she is involved in the complex web of relationships that make up this drama herself. i'm so lucky to have her; she stuck with me through my ranting, my slight tantrums, and my grief. i love you honey!!

and after that i went to dinner with a couple good friends from pre-college years, after they each let me rant to them individually on IM and on the phone; i even felt safe enough to start trying to patch things up.

and lastly, a girl's night at Sarah's with fondue and laughter and Project Runway! YES, what could have been more therapeutic?? i love that so many times in my life, just when circumstances have become almost too much to bear, some timely rescue has come in often unexpected forms, to remind me of all there is for me to appreciate. *satisfied grateful sigh* i love my friends! thanks y'alls.

success!!

woohoo! this rocks!! :D

okay, time to go to bed now. it says 9:30ish on the post, but really i'm on the east coast so it's past midnight...psout!

Testing

I just found this new email blog posting feature on blogspot.  Testing to see if it works...

serenity, family

ok so based on the title of my blog, i bet you think 'serenity' means i had some new revelation about my life...actually, i'm just referring to the Joss Whedon sci fi movie. LOVED it! okay, okay, so i admit i'm obsessed with Buffy and Angel (thank you Watson! your DVDs are still safe in my home) and that i played encore once and actually sang songs from the musical Buffy episode (ssshh), but dude, it was good. i wish they'd just let him keep making shows on TV and stop cancelling them...grrr.

before seeing the flick, i saw my great-uncle today; he has cancer and is having worse and worse pain, but i was really happy to see him still looking very active and present today. i'm so glad i took chinese in college; i actually was able to follow most of the conversation the family was having with him. i have some lingering regrets on not being loving enough to my grandmother (dad's mom) before she passed away; i was an impatient and self-absorbed teenager, and that in conjunction with the language barrier made it frustrating to try and talk to her. she lived with us in her last couple years, and i feel like there was so much more i could have done for her, to make her happy, satisfied, to make her feel appreciated and worthwhile. *sigh* but i believe the best thing you can do with a mistake is to learn from it. i want my other grandmother, my parents, relatives, and friends to feel supported by me, happy, fulfilled. that's my biggest wish and goal.

christmas and positivity

howdy,

i've wanted to check in more, but having a job in which i type and stare at a computer screen all day doesn't make for high motivation to do the same when i get home. plus i've been struggling with carpel tunnel problems--not diagnosed or anything, but just discomfort/pain when i've been at it too long. so pardon my neglect! anyhoo, i'm on vacation for the holidays, so i don't mind typing now.

the BFL thing is long gone; it was pretty successful, but i really was ready for a break by the time it was done. plus, it's really difficult to have my girlfriend in town and still find the motivation/time to plan and execute all the BFL requirements. it's funny how couples can make each other gain weight like that sometimes; it had been so long since i'd seen her, and since she'd eaten good multicultural bay area food, that all we wanted to do was enjoy yummy food together. i'm still glad i did BFL though; it was nice to show myself that i can really do something i set my mind to. also it got me into running for the first time in my life. i actually reached my goal of running 5 miles within an hour, which i'd never ever done (within an hour or not) in my life!

afterwards i went through a very angsty phase in which i wondered what the purpose of my life was. one theme that has repercussed in my life for years and years is an underlying panic about "being productive" all the time, lest i wake up someday and realize i'm old and dissatisfied with my life. over time, it's evolved to a recognition that i don't actually need to be doing something so-called productive every minute in order to get somewhere with my life, and also that it's possible to be productive every minute, and still not be any closer to happiness. however, i still had not found the thing that WOULD make me happy.

my sister started listening to Tony Robbins recently, and she let my parents borrow a couple of the CDs to listen to; they are already fans of his. Then when they were visiting California, they gave them to me and told me to listen. i was feeling rather glum at the moment, and had a long drive ahead of me, so i thought, what the hey, and i stuck the CD in the car player. the stuff he said about fulfillment and achievement being separate things really struck a chord with me, and i started doing his first workshop, which is to dedicate 15 minutes to an hour each morning to take a walk, feel gratitude for the things i have in my life, visualize what i want to happen, and build up some positive energy around making those things happen, and enjoying and taking control of my life.

i've been doing the walks for a couple weeks now, and it's been quite an interesting experience. i wouldn't say i suddenly know what my mission in life is yet, but i've definitely realized that i have always focused on the negative side of things 95% of the time. i've always thought of myself as really selfish, ungrateful, and unsociable; but when had i ever really taken time to think about all the things that i could or should be grateful for? when have i ever stopped to remember and celebrate my good sides? sure, sometimes the worst in me comes out. but when those things happen, i don't feel in control, and i don't feel that i'm 'myself.' when i do feel that i'm being myself, it's when i can feel my heart; when i'm feeling love, compassion, and comraderie. spending celebration time each morning has helped me take ownership of those good sides more, and to return back every day to the places of love and gratitude that make me want to take care of other people, to make them feel happy and loved and appreciated.

i've felt sometimes, especially in the beginning, that it was too cheesy to think so positively, that it was uncool. but in thinking about it more, observing that misgiving in myself only confirmed how foreign positive thinking has been to me in the past. in fact, it's kinda sad to think that so many people spend so much time in negative mode. how many times did i have bitch-fests while directing my college a cappella group, complaining about this or that person, when it invariably made me feel even more closed, even more biased against those people. and how rarely did i take time, and i mean actually take time, to consider the good things about the group. i loved the group, i really did, but i think i missed out on the fulfillment it could have given me at the time because i was too wrapped up in feeling personally insulted or burdened by the drama.

anyhow, it's been nice to visit with my extended family this holiday season, donning a fresh attitude and a newfound wellspring of gratitude and love. i think that fulfillment really is at our fingertips, if we'd only embrace it.

now i just need to figure out what i want out of my life....

baby!!!!

let's skip the formalities; I know it's been a long time since I posted.

I'm at work, so I'll keep this brief; my brother's wife just had a baby!!! aaaaahh!! :D :D :D the first baby in my immediate family; I can't wait to see her...

alright, now back to work, you!

laughing in the heat

hey peepz, can i start by saying it is SO HOT outside!! i just love trying to fall asleep with as little fidgeting as possible so as not to risk raising my body temperature enough to make me sweat even more...yech.

anyhow, so i went to the San Jose Improv comedy theatre yesterday night, and despite the heat that plagued comedian and audience alike, i had a blast!! the featured comedian, Tony Dijamco, was awesome; really funny, and seemed to connect well with the audience. And the headliner, Jake Johanneson, also very funny; his performance wasn't as consistently funny as Tony's, as there were some slow parts, but the funny parts were super hilarious--there were a couple times he said something soooo funny--I laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes. I've seen some standup on TV but it is so much better live!! i had no idea. highly recommend seeing a live standup show.

i don't want to spend another 50,000 words talking about BFL for fear that I'll have to rename this entire blog after it, so I'll keep the update short. i haven't missed a workout yet, which is good. it's been tough sticking with the nightly planning, i'd say that was my hardest part of the challenge. some nights i get home from work and i just want to not think about anything, be kind of an automaton for a while. i've been playing way too much Spider Solitaire lately, for that very reason. so bad for my BFL habits though, and of course when i don't take time to plan i either start feeling bad about it, or i end up procrastinating til i should be sleeping, then write out a quick plan, and then feel bad anyway because i won't get to sleep enough, which i promised myself i'd do as part of keeping up with BFL.

pptttthhhbbtt is what I say about it now. sometimes it's important to check in with the motivation factor, make sure i'm still pushing forward, but sometimes it's also necessary to just coast for a little bit, let the brain cells and positivity have a rest. now is one of those resting times i think.

still trucking along

Hey, so I'm still doing this BFL thing; I'm done with week 3, and I started noticing this week that some of my clothes are starting to fit a bit looser on me. :D I'm getting the hang of the meals too; it doesn't take me too long to prepare my food for the day in the morning.

Not that it's been all clear sailing in the least. I started off the first week with a bang, totally motivated, as you saw in my previous post. But then, by the end of that week I started going into my old and bad habit of getting disheartened by slip-ups I would make; if I missed a meal one day, or didn't drink enough water, self-doubt would creep in. I guess one thing I'm starting to realize is that the reason I didn't succeed last time with BFL is because setting real goals and believing in them really entails putting yourself out there. I've never been a risk-taker; even as early as grade school, whenever I took a test I would immediately assume that I didn't do well on it, until I got the actual grade back. It was easier for me to accept potential failure beforehand, and then be pleasantly surprised by success, instead of expecting success only to suffer the disappointment of failure. I always did this--not just for tests but for auditions, high-school crushes, college admissions, you name it.

But this self-protection comes at a price--without daring to dream, and without risking anything, I've missed a bunch of opportunities to make truly significant accomplishments. And what's worse, even when I do accomplish something, I end up attributing it to luck as opposed to my own efforts. This is not to say that I have no self-confidence or sense of self-worth. I've made many accomplishments in my lifetime that I'm proud of, and I certainly don't think I'm devoid of intelligence or talent. But the issue lies here: that to me, all my successes have sprouted from opportunities that have presented themselves to me in the context of my day-to-day life; I can't think of many successes I've had that started with me fighting adversity, making a difficult restructuring of my life, pursuing an unlikely dream, or seeking out non-obvious opportunities. I could go off analyzing my successes and missed opportunities, but hopefully you get the picture by now.

Anyhow, so this BFL thing is really kind of scary to me, because I'm putting myself out there--making myself believe that I can reach my goals, and therefore making myself vulnerable to failure in a way that I've as a rule avoided my whole life. Pretty heavy stuff. A couple times (interestingly enough, usually during/after my free day, when I'm not exercising and am eating less healthy portions of less healthy foods), I've slipped into feeling the same old feelings of doubt, unhappiness, and desire to just give up. But my brother gave me some good advice about BFL, which he's also done before: he told me that I shouldn't think too much about whether I'm achieving results as quickly as I should be; I should keep in mind that the 12-week program is a long-term commitment, and if I don't see results right away, then I should just keep going and check back in a couple weeks. Hearing him say that really helped get me through this last week; rather than staring at the mirror every hour of every day, wondering whether I should be thinner by now, I just focused on the positives.

Also, I looked back at my daily progress sheets for the past few weeks and was surprised to see that I've for the most part actually stuck really well to the program. Funny how those 3 or 4 missed meals were so emphasized in my mind, but I'd forgotten about the 90+ meals I'd stuck with and done right. Yeah....so basically it's just been, and will undoubtedly continue to be, a big learning experience for me, and hopefully a lasting transformation as well. I'll continue keeping you posted...wish me luck!

I'm taking the BFL Challenge!!!

I've done it. I've taken the plunge: this past Monday, I started the Body-for-Life program! If you haven't ever heard of it (http://www.bodyforlife.com/), it's a 12-week program created by Bill Phillips of eating right and exercising. My cousin successfully completed the challenge several years back; I kind of tried to jump on the band wagon then, but I hadn't read the book, and I was cutting corners here and there from the regimen, and most of all, I didn't really believe that I could change the way my body looked.

That's a big part of what he talks about in his book that describes the program. Basically, what it boils down to is that old saying, "if you can believe it, you can achieve it." Back then, I only wanted to do it because I thought it would be nice to look more in shape. I did the working out part okay, but I was too attached to junk food and fattening foods to even promise myself to cut them out of my diet 6 days a week. Eventually even my workouts became lackluster--I did them just to get through them, not because I was excited about the eventual results, which I didn't really think I had it in me to achieve.

This time, it's totally different. I bought the book myself (a year ago, after which it was promptly borrowed by my mother until a week ago ;) ), and as I read through it last week, I was astounded at how much what he said was hitting home with me. Not just with regards to physical fitness; he talked about how taking control of your body, and taking CARE of your body, is only the first step in taking care of every other aspect of your life.

And that hit me really hard. Sure, I am partially motivated to do it because I've been gaining more weight since I got out of school; I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life, in the past few years I've developed chronic knee/hip/lower back/upper back pain, and I've been tired all the time. But just as importantly, he reminded me of what was already supposed to be one of my deepest values: that mind, BODY, and soul are all connected. The fact that my body has been getting out of my control only makes sense when I consider the fact that I've also had mood swings, bouts of depression and insecurity, and confusion about my direction in life.

When I created this blog not so long ago, I was kind of in flux with these issues. I knew what my values were, and I knew that in the past I'd made good progress in certain ways--in letting loved ones know more often how much I care about them, for instance, or in taking up meditation. But nothing seemed to stick with me for the long term. I created this blog partially because I wanted a place to share some of my goings on, but also because I didn't want to let myself lose sight of what I most value and strive for in life. But I still didn't know what I was going to do to actually get there.

Reading this book made me realize that I need to do this program for myself. I need to show myself that I can set a long-term goal and actually stick with it, and see results because I stuck with it. Long-term efforts have always been a problem with me, and until now I just couldn't bring myself to make a self-promise like, "I will stick to this 12-week program and see results A, B, and C," because I was convinced that I'd just let myself down.

But not this time. I know now that not just my figure, but my values, my health, and ultimately my happiness in life are all at stake. I can't begin to describe what an important step this is for me. I've told several friends and members of my family, and now I've published it in my blog, so that even if my own resolve starts to wear thin, I'll know that I either have to continue and succeed in reaching my goals, or my friends, family, and anyone who reads this blog will think I'm a loser!! If that doesn't motivate me, I don't know what will. ;)

Anyhoo, I feel great so far. Some of the meals I've prepared so far are actually really tasty; it's a good thing I took up cooking recently, because home cooking always seems to taste better anyway. And after only a few days of being on the program, I already have more energy at work; before, I used to get so tired I'd have to sneak a nap in the middle of the day.

Alright, I've done enough ranting for tonight!

One of the many huge lakes I saw in the Yukon, on an excursion during the Alaska cruise.

cruisin' in Alaska

Hello, it's been a while since my last post because my girlfriend was visiting me for two weeks before leaving for Kosovo for 10 weeks...and right after that I went on a week-long cruise to Alaska with most of my family. I miss my girlfriend already; we've already had our share of long-distance before this, but it's the first time we've been in separate countries for an extended period of time, so it's even harder to deal with than usual. The biggest thing allowing me to cope with it right now is the fact that after this, she'll be back near me for a long while.

In the meantime, the cruise was an awesome way to distract me from being lonely. It was really, really good to spend time with my parents and my brother, because we've had some drama recently that I won't get into, and during this trip we were able to focus on being close, affectionate, and loving towards each other. It makes me really happy to know that even when things get tough, our love runs very deep, and we'll always be a family, supporting each other when it comes down to it.

Alaska was absolutely gorgeous as well; I saw my first glaciers, and in general it was full of beautiful lakes, mountains, icebergs, and waterfalls. I felt so lucky to be there, completely surrounded by nature's beauty, and so far away from urban life. It's pretty crazy how sparsely populated Alaska is; when we were out in the mountains, we were really OUT in the mountains; hardly a road, house, boat, anything in sight. I soooo needed that escape. It makes me feel like I can start afresh with everyday life now. We'll see how that actually goes. ;)

reiki response

I just took a Reiki I class yesterday, and I think it may have thrown me off a bit.

I liked the class; it attuned us to the first level of reiki practice. Some parts of it I thought were neat, other parts seemed a little hokey to me, perhaps. But the main message of Reiki I really like, because it contains lots of similarities to the values I have about life, loving kindness, and releasing of "ego":

"For today only, anger not, worry not,
Have humility and gratitude.
Do your work with appreciation;
Be kind to all."

During the class, we each received an attunement to activate our ability to channel Reiki energy, which is basically the same concept of chi, or prana, in other meditative practices in other cultures. We were warned that after our attunement, for the next several days we might have a reaction to it. Some people get sick, others may feel pleasant or unpleasant emotions, some people may notice nothing; it depends on the individual.

As for me, I think I may be in the "unpleasant emotions" camp. I've been in really good spirits the past month or so, having finally adjusted to my new job and lifestyle change. All of a sudden, after the class, though, I've been feeling super irritable, which hasn't happened to me in a while. I feel off, a little spacey, and restless, and I notice myself taking things personally and reacting strongly to what I know doesn't really have to be a big deal. I hope it's the Reiki, and not just me being crappy! I guess the best I can do is follow the advice about what to do for the few weeks after the class (do self-Reiki, drink lots of water, meditate, eat healthily) and try to keep the basic principles in mind. Even if it doesn't do anything (although doing those things should have positive effects, Reiki or no Reiki), it can't hurt, right?

stop and send the flowers!

I had a kind of silly epiphany last week concerning Mother's Day, that I credit to my girlfriend's good influence on me. The epiphany was entitled, "Flowers: To Send or Not To Send?" The first section obviously cited previous research on the subject, namely all the previous years I had considered sending flowers, but didn't, because I felt they were too trite, and weren't special enough to show real appreciation to my mom. So instead, I waffled until Mother's Day came around, and then I guiltily picked up the phone and told her Happy Mother's Day, feeling like the most worthless daughter ever.

Following the acknowledgement of past works came the new breakthrough formula:

no flowers = no sign of appreciation = 0
flowers = a sign of appreciation = 1
1 > 0
a sign of appreciation > no sign of appreciation
therefore, flowers > no flowers

...or in other words, in conclusion, "'Tis greater to give flowers than to give no flowers." Duh! I spent all that time fretting over doing something great, and all that time I was just sending the message to my mom that I wasn't even thinking of her at all.

Yeah, it's pretty silly, but it took me a few years to figure it out. ; P

the biking thing

I recently started bicycling to work; since my knee's got problems and I'm not in the best shape of my life, I've been alternating car and bike. I'm definitely jazzed about the biking thing--it's good for so many reasons:

• It's good for my health.
• I never feel like I get enough chances to enjoy the daylight hours now that I have a day job, and let's be honest, the last thing I want to do once I've driven home in my car is motivate myself to leave again.
• It beats riding the stationary bike in the gym. Besides, exercise tends to be easier for me when it comes with a higher purpose, like getting to work and home.
  
• I save gas, which is especially meaningful now that California gas prices are climbing.
• I don't pollute.
• The exercise helps stress.
• Best of all, NO ROTTEN ROAD RAGE!

I did have a disturbing thought as I biked over a bridge crossing a 10 lane freeway, like, what if eventually freeways and cars get upgraded to the way they are in Minority Report, with the capsules going vertically and in all directions? How the heck am I going to continue biking to work?? The transition will creep up on us slowly; it's already started with the traffic light sensors that don't recognize bicycles. How embarrassing for me the newbie to hang out by myself at an intersection for 17 years with my office really only 2 blocks away, only to eventually have to sling my remaining dignity over to the corner to push the pedestrian cross button.

Anyway, I think everyone could benefit from biking to work, as long as they're not prohibitively far away from it. My 2c.

One score and three years ago...

...I began an endeavour which I now manifest here--to find that thing called love. Not romantic love, to be specific, but the all encompassing love that is the stem of everything good, everything positive, that I've encountered in life. Call it karma, call it mojo (mojo? did I really just say that?), call it whatever, I am converging towards that sweet stuff and I gotta do what I can to keep going there. Hah...didn't mean for it to sound so...ahem. But since my current career doesn't seem to give me the fulfillment I need in this respect, I hereby pronounce this blog to be the record and sometimes vehicle to my ongoinglife mission.

Anyway, enough with the declaration of moi. I seriously don't always take myself so seriously...but I had to start the blog somehow. Keep it real, people. Love ya!