monopoly wars

I first heard about this on KQED; thought it was kinda funny, kinda stupid, and kinda sad.

Here's the CNN article on it.


Interesting how FOXNews spins it slightly. No mention of the pro-Israel group's involvement to get "Jerusalem, Israel" on the list. I'm just sayin....

It's all in your mind

Hey, wow, no activity for months and then 2 posts in a day! I shock myself sometimes.

I just read this blog entry that totally, totally resonated with me, about weight loss being a very psychological and emotional issue:

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/02/overcoming-weight-loss-bs.html

I was so inspired that I ended up writing an obnoxiously long comment on it, which I'm pasting here:

"Thanks for this straightforward post. Up until the past year or 2, I
always had an unhealthy relationship with food. Sure, I "enjoyed" the
way the food tasted, but it was all mixed up in guilt and the feeling
of binging, discomfort, self-hatred. Each choice I made to eat bad food
almost felt like a reaffirmation of my inability to change, like "so
there, I'm eating bad food again and I don't care!" But oh, did I care.


I'd tried diets, exercise, including the Body For Life
program, but all of those things involved this level of overhead that
didn't seem sustainable. It took some continual, gentle prodding by my
significant other to convince me that perhaps it didn't have to be so
difficult. She always ate more salads and lower-fat foods than me, and
I used to interpret that as her being on a constant diet, and that she
must have just been better at depriving herself from the really yummy
foods than I was. Finally, she convinced me to try eating one
"healthier" meal per day, and allowing myself to eat a meal I liked for
the other meal(s). This was already a mental shift for me, because
before that point I had always felt that I had to be either "on the
wagon"--depriving myself of all fatty foods-- or "off the
wagon"--completely out of control of what I was eating. The idea that
what I ate could be negotiated on a per-meal or per-day basis was a key
shift. Anyway, I did this for a couple weeks, and was shocked to find
that I not only started to lose weight, but started to develop more of
a taste for healthier foods. I started getting more creative with what
the "healthier" meal consisted of, and found that there was much more
variety beyond "tasteless salad" or "turkey breast sandwich."
Eventually, the very nature of my relationship with food had changed. I
was no longer falling on and off of diets, and riding rollercoasters of
self-worth, but was negotiating the balance between feeling good,
feeling light, feeling healthy and energetic, versus fulfilling
cravings and occasionally giving myself some well-deserved indulgences.


On a side note, one thing that was surprisingly helpful to me
was buying a weight scale and weighing myself every morning. It sounds
obsessive, but it's just a simple way of playing this negotiation game.
Some days, I'll have eaten really healthily for several days at a time,
and stepping on the scale is some great positive affirmation that I'm
taking good care of myself. Other days, I'll have indulged in some less
healthy foods, and will notice that I've gained a pound or 2, or even
3. At that point, I can scale down the fatty foods for a bit and get
back to my normal weight. This is much better for me than my previous
behavior--I'd do a weight loss program like BFL, obsessing over my
weight all the time. Then, when the program ended, I'd be completely
sick of the whole thing, and just coast along, eating what I liked,
until before I knew it I had gained 10 pounds back! It's much easier
and quicker to intervene with 1 or 2 pounds than with 10. Works for me,
maybe it will help someone else too.

Anyway, after I simply
changed my mentality, I lost 20 pounds (which I'd never done before)
and have kept them off consistently ever since. I know I'll never need
those extra pounds again."

Words from the heart, for real.

Why we should stop drinking bottled water

My favorite local public radio show, Forum, on my favorite local public radio station, KQED, just aired an episode interviewing the author of "Blue Covenant: The Global Water Crisis and the Coming Battle for the Right to Water." You can listen to it online here.

It's an hour-long show, but I *highly* recommend you listen to it. Great show in general, the host Michael Krasny is a really great interviewer and discussion leader.

Anyway, the show really sheds light on some fundamental issues relating to the water crisis and how it relates to the environment as a whole. And, it puts the whole water industry into perspective. The recent news about Pepsi, Nestle, and Coca Cola's bottled water coming straight from tap was a shock to me. We tend to make assumptions that things that are packaged with brands we recognize are of a higher "quality," and I agree with Maude, it's elitist. I hope that bottled water becomes uncool at some point in the future. As for me, I've just ordered some nice Camelbak reusable water bottles for my own use.

Also, if you're unsure of the quality of your tap water, you should do some digging online. I found out a whole lot about the water in my neighborhood and the neighborhoods around it, including why the water is so hard, and the implications of that. The filter in my freezer's water dispenser is sufficient to remove the chlorine used to treat it.

Alright, back to being busy....

i feel so badass right now

Howdy folks, happy holidays!

So why badass? Okay. So. In the midst of my crazy scramble-to-buy-everyone's-Christmas-present-before-flying-to-MD-this-weekend madness this week, brought on by the lack of time or mental space to think about it up until PME's holiday concert last weekend (which went great but took up many of my waking moments, between carting myself up to Berkeley by car/BART and rehearsing), I discovered that my driver's side headlight bulb had gone bust. I thought, noooo, I don't have time to take my car to the friggin' shop! I'm already taking on Christmas shopping as my second job!

But thanks to the suggestion by Catherine that I actually change it myself, and the help of these two webpages:

http://www.monkeyouttanowhere.com/thoughts/archives/2005/09/01_12_40.php

http://autorepair.about.com/library/faqs/bl197h.htm

I DID IT!!

Not impressed? Well, keep in mind that I'm totally car illiterate (while Catherine, on the other hand, used to own and maintain a motorcycle), and also that my 2004 Jetta owner's manual didn't even say how to change the bulb--it only had a small paragraph describing why I shouldn't attempt to change it myself, that I should let a professional do it, and that dire consequences including objects exploding in my face could result if I tried. Yeah, some manual.

That monkey guy (first link above) wasn't kidding; while it's doable, it wasn't easy or too pleasant. Because it was the driver's side, the battery was in the way--if my hand were any bigger, I don't know that it would have happened. And it was rather touch-and-go a couple of times. It was nighttime, and therefore rather dark, though I was able to maneuver my car around sort of near an overhead light; my keychain flashlight was still my savior. It took me a good 15 minutes to try to get one of the spring clips off of the lamp cover in the inch of space between it and the battery, and in the end I only succeeded because I said, damnit it's just going to hurt my fingers like hell and I just have to get over it and push harder. I may have let out a grunty yell, like one of those people in those action movies who does some heroic act of strength through sheer will. Okay, maybe my feat was slightly less heroic.

Anyway, at every step of the way I felt as though there were some obstacle I hadn't expected, and I just had to keep myself from getting frustrated and think calmly about what to do next. Totally channelling the guy from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I finally had a glimpse of what he kept talking about in the book about manuals only taking you so far. The actual experience of changing the bulb was much more down, dirty, and difficult, but in the end I felt like a champ.

So, I successfully avoided touching the bulb glass, which I only learned today would cause the bulb to burn out immediately. And when I turned the headlights on when I was done, voila! It worked! I was so happy, and in my euphoria started imagining myself a genius mechanic in the not-so-far future. For now I'll stay content with having avoided needing to schedule an appointment, leave my car at the shop, and pay for labor, and with having learned something significant about the so-called black box that is my vehicle.

And that's my story. :)

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Interesting perspective

Just read this interesting article about the tendency for people to filter out all online content that doesn't match their own political views, and how that makes them more extreme in their opinions and less likely to remain open-minded toward dissenting views. It's the blessing and curse of having so much information at one's fingertips.

While I certainly can't claim to be as diplomatic as the man in this article seems to be, I've definitely felt the effects of the echo chamber before. At Stanford, I clearly remember the internal sense of doubt I felt while engaging in activism on campus, specifically labor activism. While I had a sense that there was good in the high-level cause, I really didn't know much about the situation beyond attending a few rallies on campus. So I joined the labor activism coalition in order to try and learn more, and to be able to help more. But something just did not click for me about it. I didn't like that at every meeting, people would make announcements about various labor-related conflicts going on in nearby towns, and without knowing any specifics about each new situation, everyone was expected to immediately jump on the bandwagon, talk about how evil the employers in the situation were and how much money they must be hoarding, and attend some rally, or make some calls, to weigh in on the employees' side.

Maybe the labor action coalition was the wrong place for me to be if I was going to want to question each new situation, and evaluate it before choosing sides. But if that wasn't the place to discuss it, where would I find a more appropriate place? The only other people who seemed to even care enough about those issues to discuss them were the Stanford Republicans, who often staged counter-rallies, and who basically considered the labor action team to be a bunch of rabid communists.

Basically, there was no such place, unless I wanted to make one myself. But for me, college was about finding my voice, finding my values and convictions; it was too easy to get sucked into the different echo chambers, and to feel as though I never had enough factual knowledge to engage in real debate about those issues. My attempt to participate in labor activism was my attempt to receive some of that factual knowledge; instead, I felt as though people were trying to brainwash me. But since I was the only one who seemed to want to ask questions, I also felt guilty, like, maybe I wasn't a true activist; I wasn't necessarily with them in every situation, so I must be against them. I must have my values in the wrong place.

Happily, I've come a long way in growing out of that self-doubt. I know where my values lie, and I believe that if they're worth believing in, they should stand up against any amount of questioning and analysis. That's why I think this article is so important. Not only was it frustrating to me to feel that I couldn't ask questions in that labor group, I really believe that the echo chamber attitude largely undermined the effectiveness of the labor action movement at Stanford. The teach-ins were littered with as many propagandist slogans as facts, and the attempts to "negotiate" with the administration on labor rights consisted of calling them names.

I recently went with my girlfriend to her Berkeley CalServe reunion, CalServe being a campus political party with the mission to promote diversity and justice on campus. They also supported many of the same causes as the groups I supported at Stanford, but they also talked a good deal about reaching out to people who didn't necessarily share their views, about strategies for educating people and persuading them to care, and about convincing the administration to agree to make changes by appealing to their sense of what is right. And the only way to do that is to first recognize that they are people too, most often with their own set of good intentions.

I was totally inspired by what the CalServe people were saying, and it is really in line with the article's idea of engaging with people and doing the hard work of putting one's ideas and opinions to the test. I really hope there can be more of that in the world.

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The Art Of...

...Getting Things Done is a book by David Allen that I picked up earlier this week after seeing it mentioned in one of my RSS feeds. While I like to think I've been rather out of control for most of my life, it's gotten especially bad in the last few months. I was just stressed all the time about God knows what--not even important things! Just the trash and recycling that was piling up, the newspapers piling up near my door that I only subscribed to because some kid came to my house asking me to subscribe to help fund his college tuition, and proceeded not to have time to read or even take the rubberbands off, the unread mail piling up on my desk, the dishes piling up in the sink, the music not reviewed, the practicing not done, the thing not cleaned, the task not finished. All these things that I worried about until I was paralyzed and had indigestion (not to mention the fact that this didn't get me any closer to finishing everything).

So this book, which essentially describes a system for getting organized, looked like just what I needed. The premise is that most of the stress people have comes from the fact that they have all sorts of unresolved "stuff" in their minds--things that aren't where they need to be, which weigh down on their minds, attention, and energy. (For a great example of that, see the paragraph above.) The method is just a system for organizing all this "stuff" in such a way that you can get it off your mind, trusting that your system will remind you of all the things you need to do when, so you don't have to sit around trying to keep them all in your head at once, and so you don't let anything slip through the cracks.

Apparently there is already a cult following of this method, and I have to say, after trying it out for the last few days, I already feel much better. You basically start by collecting everything you have to do, want to do, dream of doing, and everything that is physically or mentally not where it needs to be, important or trivial, big or small, into one place. That is a catharsis in and of itself. Then now that you have everything together, you can process each one, deciding which stuff needs action and which stuff just needs to be filed away as reference material. Then you organize it all into a "system you trust" so that you'll see all the things you are supposed to do, when you're supposed to do them, and review the system regularly, so you can get all those things out of your mind until you need to actually do them. And it also makes it much easier to choose which things to do at any given point, based on whether there are deadlines for some things, or whether it's just convenient to do them at the moment.

I still don't think I'm totally done implementing the system for myself; I haven't quite finished the last sections of the book, and I'm still waiting for a bigger file cabinet I ordered so I could organize once and for all the piles of papers I have in various parts of my house. But already in the past few days, I've gotten more done than I have in weeks, and I have this nice new feeling that I'm actually *not* forgetting something really important, and that I don't need to be racking my brains at every moment trying to remember whether I need to put out any fires I may have forgotten about. It's a *very* new feeling, so I still catch myself wanting to obsess about something, but I could definitely get used to living like this, and actually letting myself relax once in a while!

There are plenty of online overviews about this method, such as the ever trusty Wikipedia, or the official website, or the many, many blogs devoted to discussing its details, like 43 Folders, whose author actually came to my company to give a presentation about how to manage one's email inbox, interestingly. But the only real way to see this method in all its splendor is to read the book, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen. It may seem all like common sense, or even like the level of detail described in the book is a bit on the anal-retentive side. But that's the beauty of it too; it is all common sense, but just integrated into a full system that works, and it is rigid in principle but flexible in implementation. And, if you're anything like me, it could be just what you need.

Anyway, I have yet to see if I can maintain it, or elements of it, in the long term, but I really hope so. And so far, so good....

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boppin' on the BART

What do Kanye West, Bjork, Puccini, Sheryl Crow, Stars, Saves The Day, and Jacques Brel all have in common (aside from obviously being musicians)?

Well, they all played a part in making my day. I won't get into the gory details of how frustrated, discouraged, and just plain uncomfortable I felt by the time I left work today to go on my typical Monday trek--driving to Fremont (30-50 min), taking the BART up to North Berkeley (55 min), PME rehearsal (2.5 hrs), waiting for the BART in the cold (15-20 min), BART ride down (55 min) and a sleepy and at times dangerous drive home (40 min). I always dread that drive home; by the time I get to Fremont it's about 11:30pm, I'm super-tired and rather chilly even when I didn't forget to bring a scarf and a jacket.

But today I gave the ole iPod a go, something I actually surprisingly haven't done in a while. Actually, it's usually hit or miss with my iPod; I find that I have so much of a variety of music that the songs that come up in shuffle mode almost never match my current mood. I don't have the patience or decisiveness to sit around making playlists for said moods, either.

This time, though, I don't know if it was my kickass Sony headphones or what, but every song I listened to brought back either a flood of memories or felt so fulfilling and exciting in its own unique way. First it was Kanye, with the usual awesome sample of some old song sped up, and really chill yet poignant message. Then it was "Hunter" and "Joga" by Bjork, two of my favorite, favorite songs. Her music has this way of making me feel heartbroken and ecstatic at the same time. I love the balance between the clever rhythms, percussion, and sound effects, and the warm, passionate string instruments, as well as her vocals, which also alternate between lots of electronic distortion and naked humanity. And the lyrics are often vague to the point of sounding almost random, yet they convey strong emotions and paint vivid pictures at the same time.

Then it was "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow, which I still like even though it was seriously overplayed on the radio when it came out, which always makes me feel like I'm driving in Miami or SoCal or something.

By the time Jacques Brel came on with a ridiculously silly song in French, I was just in awe of how much meaning music can convey, how much variety and freedom it offers, how much history and personality it immortalizes in every song. That's when I heard a song by the Stars, talking about wanting one more chance
to be "young and wild and free." And Saves the Day, emoting with a
mixture of angstful vocals and really beautiful guitar progressions. By then, I was caught in that exquisite bittersweet feeling of being transported by music, in which I am both grateful to be there, anxious to become even more fully immersed, and in grief that the feeling is always so fleeting.

For someone who has been involved with music in some form her whole life, I often miss that feeling. There are so many times when my focus is on worrying whether I'm sounding good, analyzing music performances for technical accuracy, fretting about my improvisation skills, thinking I'll never be a good enough musician, feeling self-conscious on the dance floor, feeling guilty about not practicing enough, getting stressed about rehearsal schedules, or simply being too wound up to let myself be moved by music. It's so easy to lose sight of the raw power of music; it really only gives you as much as you can let it at any given moment.

That's totally how I feel about love in general. People who lack compassion, or who despair, are just blocking themselves off from the most nourishing thing in this world. We do it to protect ourselves, we do it out of fear, we do it out of doubt. But it's moments like these that make me remember why life is worth living, and living fully. Music is love, baby.

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Gotta love open source.

Hello blog,

Well, I have to 'fess up. I haven't been sure whether this blogging thing is working for me; I think I'm having a crisis of purpose here. I think I partly made this blog for the wrong reasons--like, wanting to be able to journal my innermost thoughts somewhere on a regular basis. But, hm, maybe an actual private journal would be better for that sort of thing! That way, I won't have an urge to write something and then think, "...but do I really want to share this piece of personal information with the online world?" Besides, I think my readership (which, I believe, has consisted of a few of my good friends and loved ones--thanks people!) will get tired of all of the internal monologue, sprinkled with occasional angst, that goes on inside my head. And finally, there are other, less internal ways to examine the amount of "l-o-v-e," or lack thereof at times, in the world, that don't involve reporting on the daily (or bimonthly, as seems to be the case here) temperature of my own moods.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to attempt to shift my theme ever so slightly outward, to things that are happening out in the big wide world. Hopefully I've absorbed enough KQED, Newsweek, NYTimes, Food Network, and self-help books to have some interesting things to say here. Time will only tell if it's enough to keep this li'l' blog o' mine shiny.

Oh yeah, open source. So the Jaguar of this mid-blog-life crisis of mine is ScribeFire, which is supposed to be an indispensible aid to more efficient blogging. And it's free! So far, in the 3 minutes I've used it, I'm liking it.

Much love, my friends.

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want to see a picture of me?

I was looking through some of my digital photos from the past, and I realized that I've never posted a pic of myself on this blog. So here's a lovely picture, with my "face" and all:



Hah! That picture was taken in Peru, on the 4th day of a 5 day hike on the Salcantay trail to Machu Picchu. It was...almost 2 years ago, dang. Can't believe how time flies! Anyway, being the bug-magnet that I am, I'd gotten so many bug bites on my hand by that point that it was totally swollen, and I could make dents in my hand that would stay there for a while. So I thought I'd flex my artistic muscles and make a lovely picture...

okay, sleep. i'm ready for you. no, really.

good lord. i'm sufficiently indignant to feel the need to delay bedtime in order to write that i haven't had this crazy a schedule since i was a student. i'm just waiting for a free moment to catch up on sleep...been waiting for a few weeks now.

i was going along for a while just fine with preparation for this Jazz & Pop concert PME is putting on. unlike most other concerts, this one is primarily made up of small group numbers, and people in the group put together their own small group songs, rehearse them on their own time, then audition within the group (coming April 30) to see which songs make it into the show.

i'm rehearsing 9 songs for the auditions, which means i've been going up to berserkeley literally 5 to 6 days a week, and from campbell, that's no small feat.

i was fine until this past weekend, when i flew to MD for my grandmother's 80th birthday celebration, which was basically a huge family reunion (160+ people!). i basically got a total of 8 hours of sleep the whole weekend, and came back to CA only to hit the ground running again with rehearsals, which is just not cool anymore. i have had zero time to catch up on the sleep i lost this weekend, and i'm starting to resort to drastic measures to keep myself awake on the drives home from berkeley late at night...

can we say burning out?

...and with that, i'm off to bed. thank GOD i finally have a break from rehearsals for the next 2 nights.

goodreads

I just added a new lil' section to my blog sidebar. Isn't it lovely? Actually, it's pretty ugly, if you ask me, but it is generated by a 3rd-party site, so what can I do?

Anyway, Kristy invited me to the site, and I think it's a great idea. Hopefully it won't become another one of those time sinks that just spams my inbox; optimistically speaking, at least it has a purpose other than to be social. I've always wanted to keep track of books I intended to read, and even toyed with the idea of starting a list on my blog. Now I don't have to!

wachet auf!

That's German for "wake up!" and it's the title of the latest performance by PME. We had our first show last weekend aaaall the way up in Santa Rosa, reminding me yet again just how far south I live from the group's home base in Berkeley. I did use that as an excuse to spend an 'anniversary' weekend with Catherine in Sonoma beforehand, replete with a reprise at the Trojan Horse Inn bed & breakfast, and a wine hike a la Russ Beebe. So...I suppose it wasn't a total loss! ;)

Anyway, about the PME concert, a member of the group, Nette, wrote a nice blog entry about that performance, with pictures a la Catherine, no less! The show kicked butt, imho, especially given the almost obscenely small amount of time we had to prepare for it. We've got two more shows this weekend, and then a total context switch from this classical, often German set, to rehearsing for our annual Jazz & Pop a cappella show. Wow, who'd have thunk I'd be doing a cappella again after college was over?

While I've felt pretty consistently for the past few weeks as though there was no time for me to think (let alone blog), I have to say I've been having a blast. I LOVE that singing is in my life again, and it's totally worth the countless car/BART/walking treks up to Berkeley, SF and *gasp* Santa Rosa.

I guess despite my not having been this sleep-deprived since I stopped having homework, and drowning in rivers of email, schedules, and work, I'm kinda slipping into happy niches in various parts of my life. At work, I've successfully navigated my way from 'college hire' to valued team member. At PME, more and more people (though still not all) have stopped confusing me with the other new Asian girl in the group (yeah...doh!). In general, I'm just in my zone right now--I'm 25, not 21, not 30. I like that.

Now if only Catherine were in the Bay Area...*sigh*

a testimonial

Hey y'all,

I just wrote a testimonial for my sister's website, www.drteresa.net. She's a chiropractor specializing in Network Spinal Analysis. I'm pasting the testimonial here--enjoy! It's all true, btw.

"When I experienced network spinal analysis for the first time, I was extremely skeptical. My sister had taken me along with her to her network chiropractor, and I remember thinking to myself, while being entrained, that I couldn’t feel anything happening, that it didn’t make sense that anything would happen; the chiropractor was barely touching me at all. When I stood up afterwards, he told me that one of my legs had been shorter than the other, and that they were now even. I didn’t notice anything, and left still disbelieving.

"Years later, when my sister decided to pursue a career in network spinal analysis, I decided to suspend my disbelief and give it another try, if for no other reason than to support her in her choice—what did I have to lose? Yet, over the next several visits, I had to admit to myself that I sometimes did feel parts of my body begin to relax during entraining, and that, more often than not, by the end of my entraining session, I was able to breathe fully from the tip of my head to the tips of my toes in a totally effortless manner. Being a generally high-stress over-achiever, this sense of physical and mental peace was a very new experience!

"Over time, this vague experience of relaxation evolved into a very acute awareness of my body and heart. At a typical entrainment session, my sister will gently but firmly touch a particular spot along my spine, and I will suddenly become aware of several areas of tension in my body. And having become connected with the areas of tension, I become able to let them go, to let them seep out of my body. Often I feel a sense of relief. Some days, I feel a surge of new energy as old aches in my neck, shoulders, hips, or back melt away. Other days, I feel exhausted, because I’m relaxing my body for the first time all week. A few times, I’ve even cried as some wordless, suppressed pain that I’d locked away somewhere in my body was finally acknowledged and released.

"These experiences have had a profound effect on my life and well-being. I’ve learned that there is a close, clear connection between my physical body and my mental and emotional states. While I still don’t always treat my body and my self perfectly, I am more aware of the effects of my choices on all aspects of my being. My network care gives me a chance to check in with myself, and to figure out how to take care of myself. And in so doing, I’ve discovered greater compassion for myself, and a greater sense of inner strength and security from which I can extend greater compassion to others.

"After having such life-changing experiences, and after seeing for myself time and time again that they are a direct result of the network care I receive, I’d be a fool to retain my former skepticism. The progress I make in my entrainment sessions is inextricably linked to the progress I’ve made elsewhere, in striving to live as fully and openly as I can. As a result, network care, so much more than just medical care or physical therapy, has become a part of my life."

Word.

my new favorite snack

BBQ Kettle Bakes from Trader Joe's. Catherine recommended them to me, and I was skeptical at first, because I generally don't like Kettle chips. They're too thick and hard, and the potato flavor is overwhelming.

But I just got a bag today, and I have to say, the Kettle Bakes are totally different--light, thin, and crispy. They taste just like regular potato chips except without the greasiness. And they're healthier than pita chips! I'm a convert. ...I should be getting commission from them. ;)

Happy New Year!

cuckoo's nest

Just saw Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest last night--a solo performance by Kristina Wong analyzing mental illness in Asian women in the U.S. I liked it; it was entertaining at times, poignant at others. It seemed more about raising questions than necessarily providing answers, which didn't make it any less needed. It made me think of all sorts of little and not-so-little traumas I've seen and known in my life and in those of people close to me. I think of how resilient we are, yet at the same time how we aren't so impervious to pain as we sometimes like to think.

It also made me think twice about my own prejudices against Asian women. I do start with some basic assumptions about folks when I meet them, and I guess they're not always good. I think part of it stems from a sort of resentful longing I had at different points in my life since I never seemed to fit in with other Asians. In high school, there was a big Asian clique, that my cousins belonged to, but that I was never really able to relate to. At Stanford, the same thing happened, though a lot of that was because it was full of Asian christians, who I really did not relate with. My set of friends was always much more...multi-cultural, let's say. I patted myself on the back, saying I had much more personality, more spice than these seemingly tame people who looked like me, but certainly didn't seem to think like me. Yet I have to admit that on some level, I always felt that longing, that desire to be a part of that tight-knit family.

So it was pretty ironic when I started a relationship with an Asian American Catholic woman. Hah. I even had misgivings in the beginning, knowing that I hadn't been able to find common ground with my so-called "Asian sisters" before. But lo and behold, not all people are the same. ;) I think my relationship with Catherine, and things like this Kristina Wong performance, are sort of evolving my ongoing relationship with this issue to one of more peace. Heck, after the performance, I went out to a late dinner with a group of activist Asian American friends, and I think I was more able to let my guard down and be chill with them.

Hopefully this post makes some sense, and you don't now think I'm just totally racist against my own people. This really has been a really old internal conflict for me. Catherine can attest to it. ;p

i need a break!

wow, i've been so busy lately. i'll go in reverse order; might as well keep the blog format. ;)

first performance of the year with PME was last night; it went really well! the audience really responded to the music. of course, it meant trekking up to Berkeley several times in the last week; that was craziness. thank god for the BART, but it needs to extend down to the south bay for folks like me! and thank god for Forum podcasts.

went to yoshi's on saturday night (another trek up to Oak-town), for 2 friends' joint birthday. it's a jazz club with a very nightclubby feel, and ever since i was in college, i kept hearing people rave about this place. after finally experiencing it firsthand, i give it 2 thumbs up. very chill, very cool (though physically very warm).

thanksgiving was a very good time as well. i made green beans with pancetta, wild mushroom soup with chestnuts and roasted fennel, and the apple tart i made last year (yum, puff pastry!). yes, they're all Food Network creations--what do you expect? my tv hardly ever leaves that channel. then on black friday i scored a pair of Arden B. black pants marked down from $90 to $11. of course, i payed the price by waiting in line there after this group of 3 obnoxious women who kept hogging the cashier. one would start paying, and the other two would go grab more clothes and bring them back to buy. i'm sure they were at that register for a good hour at least. towards the end, when my mom and i were finally near the front of the line, one of them had the nerve to try to take up a second register while they were still being helped at the first. so cindy had to break out that 'oh-NO-you-don't' side that only my closest friends have had occasion to see. although that woman gave me the stinkest eye i've ever seen, thankfully the cashier sided with reason and told her she'd have to get to the back of the line to start another transaction. yea, BACK OF THE LINE, sister! did i have bottled up aggression at that point? um, that would be yes.

catherine and i had a joint birthday party out in the park the weekend before thanksgiving; lots of friends came, and a good number actually gave us presents, which was a pleasant surprise! and here i thought the days of presents were over. maybe it's just a college thing not to give presents, when the only things that matter are sleep, food, studying, (booze, for most,) and conserving one's cash. anyway, it was a great time. we played capture the flag, in which i DOMINATED!! well, for one point at least.

ah, yes, and the weekend before that i sang 'ave maria' at catherine's sister's wedding. a big stylistic jump for me; definitely a far cry from my R&B, soul, motown past. i'm still rather new to the whole classical style of music, despite being in PME for a few months now, so i went out and rented a slew of books on classical singing style, after discovering the huge 6-story MLK library in san jose (looks like it's the main library in use by san jose state students). isn't that awesome? a university-level library open to the public! i was in heaven. anyway, so i got a bunch of books by herbert-caesari, who is supposed to be the last proponent of the 'old italian school' of voice. despite his exceedingly pedantic, didactic, and in general very extreme tone, there was plenty of useful information that i wish i'd known a long time ago. i'm considering quitting drum lessons and taking up voice....more on that later.

i think that just about takes me as far back as my memory will currently allow for. and i gotta get to work. long story short, i've been in a whirlwind of activity for the past month at least, tornado really, and while it's been fun, it's also been very exhausting and i'm starting to look at how not to be constantly overcommitted. story of my life...just get me through the holiday season!

i can sing!

Wow, I'm so excited about singing. As you may know, I've been practicing some warmup scales from the book/CD I've been reading, trying to find my middle voice.

I was in my car the other day (which is normally when I do my singing practice, although it's probably a little too distracting for my safety), driving home after taking a friend to the airport, and decided to see how it felt to sing some actual songs again, now that I've kind of been exploring this new part of my voice. So I popped in my iPod cassette adapter, started singing, and it felt, well, GREAT!! I felt so much more ease singing in that part of my range that has always been kind of stressful to me--the part that's kind of too high to belt for extended periods of time, but a bit too low to sing in my head voice--not talking about ice cream voice, Yelena ;), although I think that voice may be talking right now....

The end result? I was able to sing nonstop the entire way home from SFO without wear ing my voice out! It may not sound like much, but for me it felt like the time I swam 1K for the first time. I had majorly plateaued before I started using this book, and always felt so restricted in what songs I could sing and how many I could last through. Now the doors are wide open; I bet even karaoke will be more fun! Care to join, anyone??

the right direction

So, earlier this week I ended up flying over to MD for half a day to go to my great-uncle's funeral; he passed away due to cancer. My parents had just flown to China when it happened, and since they couldn't fly back in time, they wanted one or more of their kids to go. All 3 of us live in CA, so deciding which of us would go was a hard choice to make.

My ultimate decision to go was the end of a rather agonizing process, which started out with extreme resistance. My inital reasons: all of us had just flown to Boston for my great-aunt's funeral a couple months ago (both were siblings of my maternal grandmother), and I was just recovering from the $700 hole that left in my wallet. (Ironically, the fact that we all went to the previous funeral meant that it would look rather bad if none or only one of us went to this one). Also, I had taken lots of vacation and plane trips already, and I was planning on more, so I didn't want to take even more time off work. Finally, the funeral was scheduled for Tuesday, and I was going to have to miss a second PME rehearsal and my drum lesson, and there was a rule (or so I thought) that if someone missed 2 PME rehearsals, they'd have to be tested by the music director to see if they were eligible to perform in the upcoming concert (there are only 3 concerts a year in the group, so it was a big deal). All these reasons were floating around in my head and made my initial reaction, "I don't see how I could possibly go."

My sister agreed to go, my brother was too busy, and we all basically decided that she would represent us all in MD. But even though all my perceived conflicts were avoided, I felt a nagging doubt, like I was making the wrong choice. I was tired, stressed out, and didn't want to just cop out with the easy choice of not going, but i didn't want to just go out of this feeling of vague guilt, either. I got the impression that my sister disapproved of my not going, but my brother said he would understand whichever choice I decided to make. That was really helpful to me.

Anyway, Catherine, in her usual wisdom, suggested I make whichever choice would allow me to wake up the next day and feel like a better person. She said that didn't necessarily mean I had to decide to go--in fact, she was worried about me causing myself undue stress in having to go through another audition-like process (she was witness to how difficult the actual audition process had been for me). Basically, she wanted me to make whichever decision would be best for me.

Best for me, according to me--this was the same thing preached in the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" book by Stephen Covey I'd just been re-reading, a book I highly recommend, by the way. I don't have the energy to ramble about the thesis of that book right now, but essentially it introduces the idea of basing one's choices and plans on a set of principles and values that make up one's life mission, rather than on other less important, often external factors (like outside situations, and other people's expectations or opinions).

Putting 2 and 2 together, I realized that this choice of mine was riddled with bad reasons on either side. Concerns about missed rehearsals, my being perceived as flaky by my work, or PME, or my drum teacher, those were not really legitimate reasons not to go. And concerns about my extended family's expectations and judgements, or about my parents' perception of my generosity and/or selfishness, were not really legitimate reasons TO go. On the other hand, my deepest values, including wanting to show support, love, and passion to others and to myself, were the real factors at stake.

Again Catherine was a huge support to me here. She offered to help me find a way to work around the missed rehearsal by helping me figure out how to move my October MD visit so that I wouldn't have to miss a second PME rehearsal. That pretty much solved the problem of my need to take care of myself; I was willing at that point to say goodbye to the plane ticket money, and to deal with the lost sleep involved with taking the trip. At the same time, I reaffirmed my real reasons for going--I knew I would give my parents comfort in my going, because they must have felt quite bad at not being able to go themselves. I wanted to support my grandmother, who was losing her second and last sibling. I wanted my extended family to be reassured that the younger generation (my generation) has its values in place, and that when the chips were down, we recognize what's most important.

So, in the end, I was able to come to a decision that was really mine, rather than going through the motions either way and allowing myself to succumb to circumstance. And I believe this is a step in the right direction in this longest, most difficult personal struggle of mine to live fully with love as my guide.

middle voice

May I first start by saying how ridiculously busy I've been this week? I really am a serial hobbyist; sometimes I think I just need to chill out.

Anyway, to completely change the subject, I had a revelation today as I was reading "Set Your Voice Free" by Roger L-O-V-E (hah...). This purchase was my attempt to try to alleviate my anxiousness about the alto singing in PME; skimming through it at the store, I was intrigued by the so-called "middle voice" that he mentions and focuses on. Lo and behold, he was talking about the transition area between the chest and head voice, which is supposed to have some qualities of both. This is exactly what I've been looking for my whole singing life! I've always had a horrible break in my chest/head transition, and the lower part of my head range has always been too weak for my liking, but I can't just sing all this classical stuff in chest.

I actually kind of intuitively came across my middle voice when trying to experiment with how to make my head voice sound more "chesty" and less weak, but it never occurred to me to try and build up this middle voice--that it was something definable and improveable. I haven't read through his exercises for building up the middle voice yet, but I'm really excited to try it! I'll let you know if it works.

I guess that's what I get for never actually taking voice lessons.

PME

Hello again.

I just got back home from a vocal workshop for a singing group I just joined, the Pacific Mozart Ensemble. I auditioned a couple weeks ago and was accepted--woohoo! The workshop was fun; I left feeling a bit concerned though, because I'm singing alto, and I've always sung soprano in the past. I'm used to singing in my chest voice for pop/soul/R&B styles of music, but not for choir material. I don't think I was singing correctly. What to do?? I thought of taking a few voice lessons, but I don't want to add anything more to my already plump schedule. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'm just glad to be singing again!