howdy,
i've wanted to check in more, but having a job in which i type and stare at a computer screen all day doesn't make for high motivation to do the same when i get home. plus i've been struggling with carpel tunnel problems--not diagnosed or anything, but just discomfort/pain when i've been at it too long. so pardon my neglect! anyhoo, i'm on vacation for the holidays, so i don't mind typing now.
the BFL thing is long gone; it was pretty successful, but i really was ready for a break by the time it was done. plus, it's really difficult to have my girlfriend in town and still find the motivation/time to plan and execute all the BFL requirements. it's funny how couples can make each other gain weight like that sometimes; it had been so long since i'd seen her, and since she'd eaten good multicultural bay area food, that all we wanted to do was enjoy yummy food together. i'm still glad i did BFL though; it was nice to show myself that i can really do something i set my mind to. also it got me into running for the first time in my life. i actually reached my goal of running 5 miles within an hour, which i'd never ever done (within an hour or not) in my life!
afterwards i went through a very angsty phase in which i wondered what the purpose of my life was. one theme that has repercussed in my life for years and years is an underlying panic about "being productive" all the time, lest i wake up someday and realize i'm old and dissatisfied with my life. over time, it's evolved to a recognition that i don't actually need to be doing something so-called productive every minute in order to get somewhere with my life, and also that it's possible to be productive every minute, and still not be any closer to happiness. however, i still had not found the thing that WOULD make me happy.
my sister started listening to Tony Robbins recently, and she let my parents borrow a couple of the CDs to listen to; they are already fans of his. Then when they were visiting California, they gave them to me and told me to listen. i was feeling rather glum at the moment, and had a long drive ahead of me, so i thought, what the hey, and i stuck the CD in the car player. the stuff he said about fulfillment and achievement being separate things really struck a chord with me, and i started doing his first workshop, which is to dedicate 15 minutes to an hour each morning to take a walk, feel gratitude for the things i have in my life, visualize what i want to happen, and build up some positive energy around making those things happen, and enjoying and taking control of my life.
i've been doing the walks for a couple weeks now, and it's been quite an interesting experience. i wouldn't say i suddenly know what my mission in life is yet, but i've definitely realized that i have always focused on the negative side of things 95% of the time. i've always thought of myself as really selfish, ungrateful, and unsociable; but when had i ever really taken time to think about all the things that i could or should be grateful for? when have i ever stopped to remember and celebrate my good sides? sure, sometimes the worst in me comes out. but when those things happen, i don't feel in control, and i don't feel that i'm 'myself.' when i do feel that i'm being myself, it's when i can feel my heart; when i'm feeling love, compassion, and comraderie. spending celebration time each morning has helped me take ownership of those good sides more, and to return back every day to the places of love and gratitude that make me want to take care of other people, to make them feel happy and loved and appreciated.
i've felt sometimes, especially in the beginning, that it was too cheesy to think so positively, that it was uncool. but in thinking about it more, observing that misgiving in myself only confirmed how foreign positive thinking has been to me in the past. in fact, it's kinda sad to think that so many people spend so much time in negative mode. how many times did i have bitch-fests while directing my college a cappella group, complaining about this or that person, when it invariably made me feel even more closed, even more biased against those people. and how rarely did i take time, and i mean actually take time, to consider the good things about the group. i loved the group, i really did, but i think i missed out on the fulfillment it could have given me at the time because i was too wrapped up in feeling personally insulted or burdened by the drama.
anyhow, it's been nice to visit with my extended family this holiday season, donning a fresh attitude and a newfound wellspring of gratitude and love. i think that fulfillment really is at our fingertips, if we'd only embrace it.
now i just need to figure out what i want out of my life....
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Geez. Sounds like you've been thinking about some deep stuff. Yeah, I agree. I actually believe that it is the optimists who display more courage than the pessimists. Although this isn't necessarily true for everyone, my experience has been that people become pessimistic because they are afraid of an outcome. They are worried that they will be disappointed, or they are worried that they will get hurt, or they are simply trying to figure out a way to deal with life's inevitable pains and sufferings. It's safe to simply assume the worst because it doesn't require one to be vulnerable. But optimists have to be vulnerable all the time; at each fork of dissapointment, pain, fear, grief, they must revisit whether they want to continue down the path of hopefulness. It's like giving someone a hug -- whenever you do it, you make yourself open to rejection. If they reject you, it really hurts. And sometimes it's pretty hard to even get to a place where you can trust the other person enough, or feel giving enough, to even try the hug. But when it happens, it feels really good.
Being the King Arthur buff that I am, I choose to walk down the path of optimism/courage...well, sort of. I call myself a cynicaly optimist. Which is just another way of saying that I'm in touch with reality -- I understand how unlikely an outcome is, or the odds of it going wrong. But I still choose to hope for the best. Silly, maybe. But I have to say, life is pretty happy for me when I live in that mode.
I'm really happy for you that you've been thinking about this stuff. Not to get too Pollyanna about it, but I really feel like life reflects back the things that you present to it. Sort of like a smile. When you smile at someone, they will usually smile back. But if you frown at them, most of the time they'll either ignore you, or give you a dirty look. And if you smile at them and they ignore you, well, there's plenty of toilet paper at my house. Shall we do a midnight TP run? ;) Just kidding.
-Catherine
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