hellooooo...i'm home!! i can't tell you how happy i am to no longer be on a plane with a crick in my neck, sitting next to a large, smelly, and slightly rude man, and with airplane headphones that don't work, having missed the drink service because i had dozed off, having woken up at 4am to catch my 6:30am flight an hour's drive away, only to find that the flight was delayed because the flight crew arrived late that morning (what IS that??). rraaarrgh!!
it just made the moment ever sweeter in which i stepped into my apartment after having waited for a shuttle in the rain, rode for over an hour in it and lugged my bags up the stairs with my weak, tired and stiff legs. i opened the door and immediately an imaginary choir heralded my homecoming. you know how you feel so good that you imagine choruses of people singing a heavenly note "Aaaaaah...!" That's what i mean.
i should be sleeping right now; instead, as soon as i was home i cleaned my entire bathroom, did some laundry, and picked up around my room. so typical. i wonder why i always persist in doing anything but sleep even when i'm so tired my head is throbbing.
and alas, this little retreat from outside interaction is shortlived. tomorrow i hop on another plane and head down to SoCal to spend new year's, coming back the day after (on new year's day), and the day after that, going back to work. *sigh*
Friday, December 30, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
baby part deux
oh and you can see my beautiful niece on the sidebar link to my brother's blog (Mike 'n' Annette). :D
drama, friends and fondue
i have come full circle today, friends. after some SERIOUS falling out drama last night with someone in the family, and i'll spare you the gory details, i was totally crushed, angry, insulted, guilty, depressed, embarrassed, and frustrated all rolled into one me. i spent much of the day pretty much incapacitated, stuck at home and wanting to see friends but not really wanting to leave the house, wanting family but not really wanting it...and all the time wondering how my life became so dramatic all of a sudden.
thank goodness my girlfriend stayed on the phone with me from across the country, trying her best to support me even though she is involved in the complex web of relationships that make up this drama herself. i'm so lucky to have her; she stuck with me through my ranting, my slight tantrums, and my grief. i love you honey!!
and after that i went to dinner with a couple good friends from pre-college years, after they each let me rant to them individually on IM and on the phone; i even felt safe enough to start trying to patch things up.
and lastly, a girl's night at Sarah's with fondue and laughter and Project Runway! YES, what could have been more therapeutic?? i love that so many times in my life, just when circumstances have become almost too much to bear, some timely rescue has come in often unexpected forms, to remind me of all there is for me to appreciate. *satisfied grateful sigh* i love my friends! thanks y'alls.
thank goodness my girlfriend stayed on the phone with me from across the country, trying her best to support me even though she is involved in the complex web of relationships that make up this drama herself. i'm so lucky to have her; she stuck with me through my ranting, my slight tantrums, and my grief. i love you honey!!
and after that i went to dinner with a couple good friends from pre-college years, after they each let me rant to them individually on IM and on the phone; i even felt safe enough to start trying to patch things up.
and lastly, a girl's night at Sarah's with fondue and laughter and Project Runway! YES, what could have been more therapeutic?? i love that so many times in my life, just when circumstances have become almost too much to bear, some timely rescue has come in often unexpected forms, to remind me of all there is for me to appreciate. *satisfied grateful sigh* i love my friends! thanks y'alls.
Monday, December 26, 2005
success!!
woohoo! this rocks!! :D
okay, time to go to bed now. it says 9:30ish on the post, but really i'm on the east coast so it's past midnight...psout!
okay, time to go to bed now. it says 9:30ish on the post, but really i'm on the east coast so it's past midnight...psout!
serenity, family
ok so based on the title of my blog, i bet you think 'serenity' means i had some new revelation about my life...actually, i'm just referring to the Joss Whedon sci fi movie. LOVED it! okay, okay, so i admit i'm obsessed with Buffy and Angel (thank you Watson! your DVDs are still safe in my home) and that i played encore once and actually sang songs from the musical Buffy episode (ssshh), but dude, it was good. i wish they'd just let him keep making shows on TV and stop cancelling them...grrr.
before seeing the flick, i saw my great-uncle today; he has cancer and is having worse and worse pain, but i was really happy to see him still looking very active and present today. i'm so glad i took chinese in college; i actually was able to follow most of the conversation the family was having with him. i have some lingering regrets on not being loving enough to my grandmother (dad's mom) before she passed away; i was an impatient and self-absorbed teenager, and that in conjunction with the language barrier made it frustrating to try and talk to her. she lived with us in her last couple years, and i feel like there was so much more i could have done for her, to make her happy, satisfied, to make her feel appreciated and worthwhile. *sigh* but i believe the best thing you can do with a mistake is to learn from it. i want my other grandmother, my parents, relatives, and friends to feel supported by me, happy, fulfilled. that's my biggest wish and goal.
before seeing the flick, i saw my great-uncle today; he has cancer and is having worse and worse pain, but i was really happy to see him still looking very active and present today. i'm so glad i took chinese in college; i actually was able to follow most of the conversation the family was having with him. i have some lingering regrets on not being loving enough to my grandmother (dad's mom) before she passed away; i was an impatient and self-absorbed teenager, and that in conjunction with the language barrier made it frustrating to try and talk to her. she lived with us in her last couple years, and i feel like there was so much more i could have done for her, to make her happy, satisfied, to make her feel appreciated and worthwhile. *sigh* but i believe the best thing you can do with a mistake is to learn from it. i want my other grandmother, my parents, relatives, and friends to feel supported by me, happy, fulfilled. that's my biggest wish and goal.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
christmas and positivity
howdy,
i've wanted to check in more, but having a job in which i type and stare at a computer screen all day doesn't make for high motivation to do the same when i get home. plus i've been struggling with carpel tunnel problems--not diagnosed or anything, but just discomfort/pain when i've been at it too long. so pardon my neglect! anyhoo, i'm on vacation for the holidays, so i don't mind typing now.
the BFL thing is long gone; it was pretty successful, but i really was ready for a break by the time it was done. plus, it's really difficult to have my girlfriend in town and still find the motivation/time to plan and execute all the BFL requirements. it's funny how couples can make each other gain weight like that sometimes; it had been so long since i'd seen her, and since she'd eaten good multicultural bay area food, that all we wanted to do was enjoy yummy food together. i'm still glad i did BFL though; it was nice to show myself that i can really do something i set my mind to. also it got me into running for the first time in my life. i actually reached my goal of running 5 miles within an hour, which i'd never ever done (within an hour or not) in my life!
afterwards i went through a very angsty phase in which i wondered what the purpose of my life was. one theme that has repercussed in my life for years and years is an underlying panic about "being productive" all the time, lest i wake up someday and realize i'm old and dissatisfied with my life. over time, it's evolved to a recognition that i don't actually need to be doing something so-called productive every minute in order to get somewhere with my life, and also that it's possible to be productive every minute, and still not be any closer to happiness. however, i still had not found the thing that WOULD make me happy.
my sister started listening to Tony Robbins recently, and she let my parents borrow a couple of the CDs to listen to; they are already fans of his. Then when they were visiting California, they gave them to me and told me to listen. i was feeling rather glum at the moment, and had a long drive ahead of me, so i thought, what the hey, and i stuck the CD in the car player. the stuff he said about fulfillment and achievement being separate things really struck a chord with me, and i started doing his first workshop, which is to dedicate 15 minutes to an hour each morning to take a walk, feel gratitude for the things i have in my life, visualize what i want to happen, and build up some positive energy around making those things happen, and enjoying and taking control of my life.
i've been doing the walks for a couple weeks now, and it's been quite an interesting experience. i wouldn't say i suddenly know what my mission in life is yet, but i've definitely realized that i have always focused on the negative side of things 95% of the time. i've always thought of myself as really selfish, ungrateful, and unsociable; but when had i ever really taken time to think about all the things that i could or should be grateful for? when have i ever stopped to remember and celebrate my good sides? sure, sometimes the worst in me comes out. but when those things happen, i don't feel in control, and i don't feel that i'm 'myself.' when i do feel that i'm being myself, it's when i can feel my heart; when i'm feeling love, compassion, and comraderie. spending celebration time each morning has helped me take ownership of those good sides more, and to return back every day to the places of love and gratitude that make me want to take care of other people, to make them feel happy and loved and appreciated.
i've felt sometimes, especially in the beginning, that it was too cheesy to think so positively, that it was uncool. but in thinking about it more, observing that misgiving in myself only confirmed how foreign positive thinking has been to me in the past. in fact, it's kinda sad to think that so many people spend so much time in negative mode. how many times did i have bitch-fests while directing my college a cappella group, complaining about this or that person, when it invariably made me feel even more closed, even more biased against those people. and how rarely did i take time, and i mean actually take time, to consider the good things about the group. i loved the group, i really did, but i think i missed out on the fulfillment it could have given me at the time because i was too wrapped up in feeling personally insulted or burdened by the drama.
anyhow, it's been nice to visit with my extended family this holiday season, donning a fresh attitude and a newfound wellspring of gratitude and love. i think that fulfillment really is at our fingertips, if we'd only embrace it.
now i just need to figure out what i want out of my life....
i've wanted to check in more, but having a job in which i type and stare at a computer screen all day doesn't make for high motivation to do the same when i get home. plus i've been struggling with carpel tunnel problems--not diagnosed or anything, but just discomfort/pain when i've been at it too long. so pardon my neglect! anyhoo, i'm on vacation for the holidays, so i don't mind typing now.
the BFL thing is long gone; it was pretty successful, but i really was ready for a break by the time it was done. plus, it's really difficult to have my girlfriend in town and still find the motivation/time to plan and execute all the BFL requirements. it's funny how couples can make each other gain weight like that sometimes; it had been so long since i'd seen her, and since she'd eaten good multicultural bay area food, that all we wanted to do was enjoy yummy food together. i'm still glad i did BFL though; it was nice to show myself that i can really do something i set my mind to. also it got me into running for the first time in my life. i actually reached my goal of running 5 miles within an hour, which i'd never ever done (within an hour or not) in my life!
afterwards i went through a very angsty phase in which i wondered what the purpose of my life was. one theme that has repercussed in my life for years and years is an underlying panic about "being productive" all the time, lest i wake up someday and realize i'm old and dissatisfied with my life. over time, it's evolved to a recognition that i don't actually need to be doing something so-called productive every minute in order to get somewhere with my life, and also that it's possible to be productive every minute, and still not be any closer to happiness. however, i still had not found the thing that WOULD make me happy.
my sister started listening to Tony Robbins recently, and she let my parents borrow a couple of the CDs to listen to; they are already fans of his. Then when they were visiting California, they gave them to me and told me to listen. i was feeling rather glum at the moment, and had a long drive ahead of me, so i thought, what the hey, and i stuck the CD in the car player. the stuff he said about fulfillment and achievement being separate things really struck a chord with me, and i started doing his first workshop, which is to dedicate 15 minutes to an hour each morning to take a walk, feel gratitude for the things i have in my life, visualize what i want to happen, and build up some positive energy around making those things happen, and enjoying and taking control of my life.
i've been doing the walks for a couple weeks now, and it's been quite an interesting experience. i wouldn't say i suddenly know what my mission in life is yet, but i've definitely realized that i have always focused on the negative side of things 95% of the time. i've always thought of myself as really selfish, ungrateful, and unsociable; but when had i ever really taken time to think about all the things that i could or should be grateful for? when have i ever stopped to remember and celebrate my good sides? sure, sometimes the worst in me comes out. but when those things happen, i don't feel in control, and i don't feel that i'm 'myself.' when i do feel that i'm being myself, it's when i can feel my heart; when i'm feeling love, compassion, and comraderie. spending celebration time each morning has helped me take ownership of those good sides more, and to return back every day to the places of love and gratitude that make me want to take care of other people, to make them feel happy and loved and appreciated.
i've felt sometimes, especially in the beginning, that it was too cheesy to think so positively, that it was uncool. but in thinking about it more, observing that misgiving in myself only confirmed how foreign positive thinking has been to me in the past. in fact, it's kinda sad to think that so many people spend so much time in negative mode. how many times did i have bitch-fests while directing my college a cappella group, complaining about this or that person, when it invariably made me feel even more closed, even more biased against those people. and how rarely did i take time, and i mean actually take time, to consider the good things about the group. i loved the group, i really did, but i think i missed out on the fulfillment it could have given me at the time because i was too wrapped up in feeling personally insulted or burdened by the drama.
anyhow, it's been nice to visit with my extended family this holiday season, donning a fresh attitude and a newfound wellspring of gratitude and love. i think that fulfillment really is at our fingertips, if we'd only embrace it.
now i just need to figure out what i want out of my life....
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