the right direction

So, earlier this week I ended up flying over to MD for half a day to go to my great-uncle's funeral; he passed away due to cancer. My parents had just flown to China when it happened, and since they couldn't fly back in time, they wanted one or more of their kids to go. All 3 of us live in CA, so deciding which of us would go was a hard choice to make.

My ultimate decision to go was the end of a rather agonizing process, which started out with extreme resistance. My inital reasons: all of us had just flown to Boston for my great-aunt's funeral a couple months ago (both were siblings of my maternal grandmother), and I was just recovering from the $700 hole that left in my wallet. (Ironically, the fact that we all went to the previous funeral meant that it would look rather bad if none or only one of us went to this one). Also, I had taken lots of vacation and plane trips already, and I was planning on more, so I didn't want to take even more time off work. Finally, the funeral was scheduled for Tuesday, and I was going to have to miss a second PME rehearsal and my drum lesson, and there was a rule (or so I thought) that if someone missed 2 PME rehearsals, they'd have to be tested by the music director to see if they were eligible to perform in the upcoming concert (there are only 3 concerts a year in the group, so it was a big deal). All these reasons were floating around in my head and made my initial reaction, "I don't see how I could possibly go."

My sister agreed to go, my brother was too busy, and we all basically decided that she would represent us all in MD. But even though all my perceived conflicts were avoided, I felt a nagging doubt, like I was making the wrong choice. I was tired, stressed out, and didn't want to just cop out with the easy choice of not going, but i didn't want to just go out of this feeling of vague guilt, either. I got the impression that my sister disapproved of my not going, but my brother said he would understand whichever choice I decided to make. That was really helpful to me.

Anyway, Catherine, in her usual wisdom, suggested I make whichever choice would allow me to wake up the next day and feel like a better person. She said that didn't necessarily mean I had to decide to go--in fact, she was worried about me causing myself undue stress in having to go through another audition-like process (she was witness to how difficult the actual audition process had been for me). Basically, she wanted me to make whichever decision would be best for me.

Best for me, according to me--this was the same thing preached in the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" book by Stephen Covey I'd just been re-reading, a book I highly recommend, by the way. I don't have the energy to ramble about the thesis of that book right now, but essentially it introduces the idea of basing one's choices and plans on a set of principles and values that make up one's life mission, rather than on other less important, often external factors (like outside situations, and other people's expectations or opinions).

Putting 2 and 2 together, I realized that this choice of mine was riddled with bad reasons on either side. Concerns about missed rehearsals, my being perceived as flaky by my work, or PME, or my drum teacher, those were not really legitimate reasons not to go. And concerns about my extended family's expectations and judgements, or about my parents' perception of my generosity and/or selfishness, were not really legitimate reasons TO go. On the other hand, my deepest values, including wanting to show support, love, and passion to others and to myself, were the real factors at stake.

Again Catherine was a huge support to me here. She offered to help me find a way to work around the missed rehearsal by helping me figure out how to move my October MD visit so that I wouldn't have to miss a second PME rehearsal. That pretty much solved the problem of my need to take care of myself; I was willing at that point to say goodbye to the plane ticket money, and to deal with the lost sleep involved with taking the trip. At the same time, I reaffirmed my real reasons for going--I knew I would give my parents comfort in my going, because they must have felt quite bad at not being able to go themselves. I wanted to support my grandmother, who was losing her second and last sibling. I wanted my extended family to be reassured that the younger generation (my generation) has its values in place, and that when the chips were down, we recognize what's most important.

So, in the end, I was able to come to a decision that was really mine, rather than going through the motions either way and allowing myself to succumb to circumstance. And I believe this is a step in the right direction in this longest, most difficult personal struggle of mine to live fully with love as my guide.