i know, i know

so, it's been a long time. i'm not going to try to make up for lost time, because the amount of time that would take would probably deter me from ever blogging again.

i've been really, really angsty the past week, a symptom of the cycle i have perpetually been going through since i left high school and began college: every once in a while, i'll hit a really big low and wonder what my purpose in life is, or more accurately, whether there is one at all. it probably sounds very melodramatic, but it happens nonetheless. and now that i'm out of school and no longer have school to be at least a temporary 'purpose,' i feel it more often than not. and above all else, it's ANNOYING!! :I

catherine has a hunch that maybe i feel this way because i no longer participate in hobbies, causes, or what have you, that i'm really invested in. i'll admit there's truth to that. in addition to working relatively long but more or less reasonable hours at my full-time job, i also do tutoring at DCP on mondays *and* tuesdays, drum lessons also on tuesdays, yoga on wednesdays, and swimming on saturdays, and i haven't been doing any of these things for more than a couple months. and on top of that, i still stay awake at times thinking about all the other things i want to do that i don't have time for, like teaching myself more math, reading lots of books, learning to improv on the keyboard, running, cooking, singing, biking, etc....basically i want to do everything. and catherine's argument is that since i haven't been doing any of these things for very long, none of them will give me the sense of reward or joy that i used to get while singing with EP or playing the piano pre-college; i'd done those things for so long that it meant more to do them. furthermore, she says that if i continue jumping around among hobbies, i'll always be chasing satisfaction, and it will always remain elusive.

i do see the wisdom in this, and even just trying to write out all the things i want to do makes it seem obvious that i am searching for something. at the same time, though, what spins me into my cycle of depression is the realization that most of these things i want to do are just that: things. most of them diminish at some point to being nothing more than interesting hobbies, amusing pastimes. what i really value most is love, trying to become the most loving person i can so that i can make a positive difference in people's lives. and not only the hobbies, but even my job seem very far away from that right now. okay, i thought of a cheesy analogy, and now i have to write it: it's like Belle in the disney adaptation of Beauty and the Beast, where she sings, "there must be more than this provincial life." don't you hate it when you think of corny things like that, and then you just can't help saying them? okay, maybe it's just me....quiet, you! oh god, i'm so clichée.

anyhow, whatever it is i'm looking for, i don't think i've found it yet. i'm not so much in the throes of despair at the moment, having successfully (i hope) pulled myself out of that stage. but i still have this big question mark in my mind. in the meantime, i'm going to stop blogging at the office and get my butt home already.