Where is the L-O-V-E?

Awesome.

2008-09-04T13:13:00.001-07:00

Everyone should see this!

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184086&title=sarah-palin-gender-card

P.S. Only 3 days left in my 60-day challenge!

23 days

2008-08-01T19:10:00.001-07:00

Well, in case you're wondering, I've stuck with Bikram so far for 23 days. It's been much easier than I thought to stick with it so far; I've got a routine going, and just knowing that I'm already committed to doing it makes it easier. It's interesting--because I already know today that I will definitely be going to class tomorrow, I am already starting to mentally prepare for that reality. Without the challenge, I would spend a lot of time and energy waffling back and forth: "Should I go tomorrow? Do I have time? What if I don't get enough sleep? Well, maybe I'll see how tired I feel in the morning. What if I don't hydrate enough beforehand? If I don't go I'll feel guilty afterward! What if it's too difficult tomorrow? What if it makes me tired during work?" Whew! No wonder it was so hard for me to get my butt into the yoga room before! I was exhausted before I even got to class.

For the first week I alternated 1 good day (i.e. I felt pretty strong and flexible throughout class) and 1 bad day (i.e. it was all I could do to go through the motions of every pose). But I saw some really rapid progress in my flexibility, and felt really good after most days. My chest was open and relaxed, and I felt I could breathe more freely than I had in a long time. I started out with some extreme lower back pain, and avoided doing the sit ups at first, but this also largely went away during the first week or so.

Then, interestingly, I think my body started to resist all this openness and sudden flexibility. Week 2 and a little beyond was pretty much a string of bad days; my hips, which had so loosened up, seemed to get really stiff and tight again, and didn't even feel loose by the end of class. My shoulderblades and back were supertight; during any pose in which we had to clasp our palms together, arms locked and overhead, I felt as though my shoulders had rubberbands in them that were about to snap, and my arms would actually start to go numb. Yow! And my chest/solar plexus area, biceps and forearms (partially remnants of some carpel tunnel issues I've had in the past) were so tight and uncomfortable that I could barely even kick out during Standing Bow Pulling Pose, due to the intense discomfort and nausea I'd feel pulling at my chest and arms. It didn't help either that it was that time of the month...sorry if that's TMI but dude, it was really difficult.

But slowly, I've been loosening up again. The past 4 or 5 days have actually all leveled out to being pretty bearable, and while I definitely have my chronic areas of stiffness and/or achyness, I also feel more able to focus and make directed effort in the yoga poses, rather than feeling overwhelmed by discomfort, nausea, and slight panic. I've grown more accustomed to the feelings of my body loosening up gradually throughout class, and while they still often feel a little unpleasant, I don't need to dwell on them as much. I feel that I'm finally moving past my body's initial reactions, and starting--just starting--my true practice. I also notice I'm drinking even more water before and after class, which probably helps me feel less gross during class.

And while each pose varies each day, I have made some definite strides already in the postures. I can actually squat all the way down during the first part of Awkward Pose, and my balance is slowly improving. I've finally been able to kick out consistently the past few days during Standing Head To Knee, though I have yet to try bending my elbows at all. I can actually balance for a few seconds with no help from my hands, and looking forward at the mirror, during Toe Stand (one side is easier than the other, interestingly). My back is clearly getting stronger during the spine-strengthening series. And my hamstrings are slowly but surely getting more flexible during the forward bend.

Progress is definitely very gradual and incremental, but I'm excited to see where I am by the end of the challenge. And I'm feeling pretty great aside from the physical, as well--proving to myself day by day that I have discipline and stores of energy and will that I didn't know I had.

60-Day Challenge!

2008-07-10T11:43:00.001-07:00

It's official! I've just signed up for the 60-Day Challenge at Bikram Yoga San Jose, and went to my first class today.

That means I'm committing to taking a bikram class every day for 60 consecutive days. It may be tough, but I'm very motivated to see it through, and to discover what benefits it can have on my health and well-being. The benefits it claims to offer are very, very many. And I've got a big laundry list of little aches and pains to work on, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I've done bikram yoga before, but never so consistently. The few times I've stuck to it for more than a couple days at a time, I've definitely noticed significant changes to my body and my mental state--though I've occasionally found that it makes me have too much energy to sleep at night. Well, we'll see what will happen in 60 days...in any case, today's class felt great. I had a neck injury a few weeks ago, so I'm taking it a little easy on the Rabbit pose--but I had no problems today (aside from the usual back/rib aches, lack of flexibility, etc., of course).

Wish me luck!

How many of these do you remember?

2008-05-18T21:30:00.001-07:00

This should be a little walk down memory lane for you, if you're tapped into internet culture:

http://www.cracked.com/article_16248_9-most-obnoxious-memes-ever-escape-web.html

While I had to raise my eyebrow at the occasional female-objectifying comments slipped into the article (seems to be pretty typical of cracked.com), I appreciated being able to get more context around some of the internet phenomena I already remembered seeing before.

I remembered the Hamster Dance from my days as a prefrosh; visiting and staying at a college dorm (can't remember which), some guy sneaked into someone else's dorm room while they were sleeping, went to the hamsterdance website, turned the volume way up and ran out. Totally obnoxious...and hilarious.

The annoying motorcycle frog dude brought me back to the early days of my relationship with Catherine; true to form, she thought the frog was super cute. ;)

Of course, All Your Base also made it onto the list. I can't believe they reported about it on national television; hearing the anchorwoman repeat the phrase (not once, but twice) in her anchorperson voice was highly distressing and may have caused me actual physical pain.

And my favorite item on the list that I'd never actually heard of before: Rickrolling. The pop-up video is...awesome.

know thy seafood

2008-04-29T00:45:00.001-07:00

I just read a very interesting and informative interview article from Salon about the sustainability of seafood. It includes some basic info about some types of seafood to prefer and to avoid.

Like the writer of the article states about herself in the intro, I too have been rather ignorant of the issues surrounding the seafood industry. I'm tempted to read the book described in the article. In the meantime, I'm probably going to hold off on ordering salmon from my work cafeteria...but supposedly canned Alaskan salmon is okay, so I can still make my beloved salmon cake salad recipe by Rachael Ray!

love it.

2008-04-27T22:13:00.001-07:00

Animator vs. Animation

some kickin' shows coming up...

2008-03-25T00:10:00.001-07:00

Hey guess what? :D

My group gets to perform with Sweet Honey in the Rock in less than 2 weeks. For those of you who don't know them, here's the obligatory Wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_Honey_in_the_Rock

I first heard about them in my Feminist Studies 101 course at Stanford; their music often speaks to issues of race and gender. I never guessed I'd get to sing with them in the future! The music relates to ties and communication across generations; there's also a youth choir collaborating that is supposed to be off the hook as well. I guess I'm not "youth" anymore; I'm now supposed to be passing my wisdom on to the young ones. :)

Up until now PME has only rehearsed alone, but starting next week we'll start rehearsing together with the other performers. The music is very rhythmic, with an easy groove. I know it will be a blast to perform once we put the pieces together.

And then the week after this awesome show, we get to do a complete 180 and go up to perform the finale of Beethoven's 9th with the Napa Valley Symphony. Given how much I thoroughly enjoyed performing with and listening to Quartet San Francisco when we collaborated with them at our holiday concert, I am really beside myself to get to perform with an entire symphony. The last thing I did that even came close was singing in the All-State choir with the All-State orchestra in high school. Methinks this performance will be a whole different ballgame. So excited.

Oh, and I will also very soon be a first-time homeowner. More on that later, I suppose. Now I'm off to bed.

monopoly wars

2008-02-22T08:46:00.001-08:00

I first heard about this on KQED; thought it was kinda funny, kinda stupid, and kinda sad.

Here's the CNN article on it.

Interesting how FOXNews spins it slightly. No mention of the pro-Israel group's involvement to get "Jerusalem, Israel" on the list. I'm just sayin....

It's all in your mind

2008-02-20T14:09:00.001-08:00

Hey, wow, no activity for months and then 2 posts in a day! I shock myself sometimes.

I just read this blog entry that totally, totally resonated with me, about weight loss being a very psychological and emotional issue:

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/02/overcoming-weight-loss-bs.html

I was so inspired that I ended up writing an obnoxiously long comment on it, which I'm pasting here:

"Thanks for this straightforward post. Up until the past year or 2, I
always had an unhealthy relationship with food. Sure, I "enjoyed" the
way the food tasted, but it was all mixed up in guilt and the feeling
of binging, discomfort, self-hatred. Each choice I made to eat bad food
almost felt like a reaffirmation of my inability to change, like "so
there, I'm eating bad food again and I don't care!" But oh, did I care.

I'd tried diets, exercise, including the Body For Life
program, but all of those things involved this level of overhead that
didn't seem sustainable. It took some continual, gentle prodding by my
significant other to convince me that perhaps it didn't have to be so
difficult. She always ate more salads and lower-fat foods than me, and
I used to interpret that as her being on a constant diet, and that she
must have just been better at depriving herself from the really yummy
foods than I was. Finally, she convinced me to try eating one
"healthier" meal per day, and allowing myself to eat a meal I liked for
the other meal(s). This was already a mental shift for me, because
before that point I had always felt that I had to be either "on the
wagon"--depriving myself of all fatty foods-- or "off the
wagon"--completely out of control of what I was eating. The idea that
what I ate could be negotiated on a per-meal or per-day basis was a key
shift. Anyway, I did this for a couple weeks, and was shocked to find
that I not only started to lose weight, but started to develop more of
a taste for healthier foods. I started getting more creative with what
the "healthier" meal consisted of, and found that there was much more
variety beyond "tasteless salad" or "turkey breast sandwich."
Eventually, the very nature of my relationship with food had changed. I
was no longer falling on and off of diets, and riding rollercoasters of
self-worth, but was negotiating the balance between feeling good,
feeling light, feeling healthy and energetic, versus fulfilling
cravings and occasionally giving myself some well-deserved indulgences.

On a side note, one thing that was surprisingly helpful to me
was buying a weight scale and weighing myself every morning. It sounds
obsessive, but it's just a simple way of playing this negotiation game.
Some days, I'll have eaten really healthily for several days at a time,
and stepping on the scale is some great positive affirmation that I'm
taking good care of myself. Other days, I'll have indulged in some less
healthy foods, and will notice that I've gained a pound or 2, or even
3. At that point, I can scale down the fatty foods for a bit and get
back to my normal weight. This is much better for me than my previous
behavior--I'd do a weight loss program like BFL, obsessing over my
weight all the time. Then, when the program ended, I'd be completely
sick of the whole thing, and just coast along, eating what I liked,
until before I knew it I had gained 10 pounds back! It's much easier
and quicker to intervene with 1 or 2 pounds than with 10. Works for me,
maybe it will help someone else too.

Anyway, after I simply
changed my mentality, I lost 20 pounds (which I'd never done before)
and have kept them off consistently ever since. I know I'll never need
those extra pounds again."

Words from the heart, for real.

Why we should stop drinking bottled water

2008-02-20T12:08:00.001-08:00

My favorite local public radio show, Forum, on my favorite local public radio station, KQED, just aired an episode interviewing the author of "Blue Covenant: The Global Water Crisis and the Coming Battle for the Right to Water." You can listen to it online here.

It's an hour-long show, but I *highly* recommend you listen to it. Great show in general, the host Michael Krasny is a really great interviewer and discussion leader.

Anyway, the show really sheds light on some fundamental issues relating to the water crisis and how it relates to the environment as a whole. And, it puts the whole water industry into perspective. The recent news about Pepsi, Nestle, and Coca Cola's bottled water coming straight from tap was a shock to me. We tend to make assumptions that things that are packaged with brands we recognize are of a higher "quality," and I agree with Maude, it's elitist. I hope that bottled water becomes uncool at some point in the future. As for me, I've just ordered some nice Camelbak reusable water bottles for my own use.

Also, if you're unsure of the quality of your tap water, you should do some digging online. I found out a whole lot about the water in my neighborhood and the neighborhoods around it, including why the water is so hard, and the implications of that. The filter in my freezer's water dispenser is sufficient to remove the chlorine used to treat it.

Alright, back to being busy....

i feel so badass right now

2007-12-21T20:21:00.001-08:00

Howdy folks, happy holidays!

So why badass? Okay. So. In the midst of my crazy scramble-to-buy-everyone's-Christmas-present-before-flying-to-MD-this-weekend madness this week, brought on by the lack of time or mental space to think about it up until PME's holiday concert last weekend (which went great but took up many of my waking moments, between carting myself up to Berkeley by car/BART and rehearsing), I discovered that my driver's side headlight bulb had gone bust. I thought, noooo, I don't have time to take my car to the friggin' shop! I'm already taking on Christmas shopping as my second job!

But thanks to the suggestion by Catherine that I actually change it myself, and the help of these two webpages:

http://www.monkeyouttanowhere.com/thoughts/archives/2005/09/01_12_40.php

http://autorepair.about.com/library/faqs/bl197h.htm

I DID IT!!

Not impressed? Well, keep in mind that I'm totally car illiterate (while Catherine, on the other hand, used to own and maintain a motorcycle), and also that my 2004 Jetta owner's manual didn't even say how to change the bulb--it only had a small paragraph describing why I shouldn't attempt to change it myself, that I should let a professional do it, and that dire consequences including objects exploding in my face could result if I tried. Yeah, some manual.

That monkey guy (first link above) wasn't kidding; while it's doable, it wasn't easy or too pleasant. Because it was the driver's side, the battery was in the way--if my hand were any bigger, I don't know that it would have happened. And it was rather touch-and-go a couple of times. It was nighttime, and therefore rather dark, though I was able to maneuver my car around sort of near an overhead light; my keychain flashlight was still my savior. It took me a good 15 minutes to try to get one of the spring clips off of the lamp cover in the inch of space between it and the battery, and in the end I only succeeded because I said, damnit it's just going to hurt my fingers like hell and I just have to get over it and push harder. I may have let out a grunty yell, like one of those people in those action movies who does some heroic act of strength through sheer will. Okay, maybe my feat was slightly less heroic.

Anyway, at every step of the way I felt as though there were some obstacle I hadn't expected, and I just had to keep myself from getting frustrated and think calmly about what to do next. Totally channelling the guy from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I finally had a glimpse of what he kept talking about in the book about manuals only taking you so far. The actual experience of changing the bulb was much more down, dirty, and difficult, but in the end I felt like a champ.

So, I successfully avoided touching the bulb glass, which I only learned today would cause the bulb to burn out immediately. And when I turned the headlights on when I was done, voila! It worked! I was so happy, and in my euphoria started imagining myself a genius mechanic in the not-so-far future. For now I'll stay content with having avoided needing to schedule an appointment, leave my car at the shop, and pay for labor, and with having learned something significant about the so-called black box that is my vehicle.

And that's my story. :)

Interesting perspective

2007-11-07T21:53:00.001-08:00

Just read this interesting article about the tendency for people to filter out all online content that doesn't match their own political views, and how that makes them more extreme in their opinions and less likely to remain open-minded toward dissenting views. It's the blessing and curse of having so much information at one's fingertips.

While I certainly can't claim to be as diplomatic as the man in this article seems to be, I've definitely felt the effects of the echo chamber before. At Stanford, I clearly remember the internal sense of doubt I felt while engaging in activism on campus, specifically labor activism. While I had a sense that there was good in the high-level cause, I really didn't know much about the situation beyond attending a few rallies on campus. So I joined the labor activism coalition in order to try and learn more, and to be able to help more. But something just did not click for me about it. I didn't like that at every meeting, people would make announcements about various labor-related conflicts going on in nearby towns, and without knowing any specifics about each new situation, everyone was expected to immediately jump on the bandwagon, talk about how evil the employers in the situation were and how much money they must be hoarding, and attend some rally, or make some calls, to weigh in on the employees' side.

Maybe the labor action coalition was the wrong place for me to be if I was going to want to question each new situation, and evaluate it before choosing sides. But if that wasn't the place to discuss it, where would I find a more appropriate place? The only other people who seemed to even care enough about those issues to discuss them were the Stanford Republicans, who often staged counter-rallies, and who basically considered the labor action team to be a bunch of rabid communists.

Basically, there was no such place, unless I wanted to make one myself. But for me, college was about finding my voice, finding my values and convictions; it was too easy to get sucked into the different echo chambers, and to feel as though I never had enough factual knowledge to engage in real debate about those issues. My attempt to participate in labor activism was my attempt to receive some of that factual knowledge; instead, I felt as though people were trying to brainwash me. But since I was the only one who seemed to want to ask questions, I also felt guilty, like, maybe I wasn't a true activist; I wasn't necessarily with them in every situation, so I must be against them. I must have my values in the wrong place.

Happily, I've come a long way in growing out of that self-doubt. I know where my values lie, and I believe that if they're worth believing in, they should stand up against any amount of questioning and analysis. That's why I think this article is so important. Not only was it frustrating to me to feel that I couldn't ask questions in that labor group, I really believe that the echo chamber attitude largely undermined the effectiveness of the labor action movement at Stanford. The teach-ins were littered with as many propagandist slogans as facts, and the attempts to "negotiate" with the administration on labor rights consisted of calling them names.

I recently went with my girlfriend to her Berkeley CalServe reunion, CalServe being a campus political party with the mission to promote diversity and justice on campus. They also supported many of the same causes as the groups I supported at Stanford, but they also talked a good deal about reaching out to people who didn't necessarily share their views, about strategies for educating people and persuading them to care, and about convincing the administration to agree to make changes by appealing to their sense of what is right. And the only way to do that is to first recognize that they are people too, most often with their own set of good intentions.

I was totally inspired by what the CalServe people were saying, and it is really in line with the article's idea of engaging with people and doing the hard work of putting one's ideas and opinions to the test. I really hope there can be more of that in the world.

The Art Of...

2007-10-20T11:04:00.001-07:00

...Getting Things Done is a book by David Allen that I picked up earlier this week after seeing it mentioned in one of my RSS feeds. While I like to think I've been rather out of control for most of my life, it's gotten especially bad in the last few months. I was just stressed all the time about God knows what--not even important things! Just the trash and recycling that was piling up, the newspapers piling up near my door that I only subscribed to because some kid came to my house asking me to subscribe to help fund his college tuition, and proceeded not to have time to read or even take the rubberbands off, the unread mail piling up on my desk, the dishes piling up in the sink, the music not reviewed, the practicing not done, the thing not cleaned, the task not finished. All these things that I worried about until I was paralyzed and had indigestion (not to mention the fact that this didn't get me any closer to finishing everything).

So this book, which essentially describes a system for getting organized, looked like just what I needed. The premise is that most of the stress people have comes from the fact that they have all sorts of unresolved "stuff" in their minds--things that aren't where they need to be, which weigh down on their minds, attention, and energy. (For a great example of that, see the paragraph above.) The method is just a system for organizing all this "stuff" in such a way that you can get it off your mind, trusting that your system will remind you of all the things you need to do when, so you don't have to sit around trying to keep them all in your head at once, and so you don't let anything slip through the cracks.

Apparently there is already a cult following of this method, and I have to say, after trying it out for the last few days, I already feel much better. You basically start by collecting everything you have to do, want to do, dream of doing, and everything that is physically or mentally not where it needs to be, important or trivial, big or small, into one place. That is a catharsis in and of itself. Then now that you have everything together, you can process each one, deciding which stuff needs action and which stuff just needs to be filed away as reference material. Then you organize it all into a "system you trust" so that you'll see all the things you are supposed to do, when you're supposed to do them, and review the system regularly, so you can get all those things out of your mind until you need to actually do them. And it also makes it much easier to choose which things to do at any given point, based on whether there are deadlines for some things, or whether it's just convenient to do them at the moment.

I still don't think I'm totally done implementing the system for myself; I haven't quite finished the last sections of the book, and I'm still waiting for a bigger file cabinet I ordered so I could organize once and for all the piles of papers I have in various parts of my house. But already in the past few days, I've gotten more done than I have in weeks, and I have this nice new feeling that I'm actually *not* forgetting something really important, and that I don't need to be racking my brains at every moment trying to remember whether I need to put out any fires I may have forgotten about. It's a *very* new feeling, so I still catch myself wanting to obsess about something, but I could definitely get used to living like this, and actually letting myself relax once in a while!

There are plenty of online overviews about this method, such as the ever trusty Wikipedia, or the official website, or the many, many blogs devoted to discussing its details, like 43 Folders, whose author actually came to my company to give a presentation about how to manage one's email inbox, interestingly. But the only real way to see this method in all its splendor is to read the book, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen. It may seem all like common sense, or even like the level of detail described in the book is a bit on the anal-retentive side. But that's the beauty of it too; it is all common sense, but just integrated into a full system that works, and it is rigid in principle but flexible in implementation. And, if you're anything like me, it could be just what you need.

Anyway, I have yet to see if I can maintain it, or elements of it, in the long term, but I really hope so. And so far, so good....

boppin' on the BART

2007-10-09T01:32:00.001-07:00

What do Kanye West, Bjork, Puccini, Sheryl Crow, Stars, Saves The Day, and Jacques Brel all have in common (aside from obviously being musicians)?

Well, they all played a part in making my day. I won't get into the gory details of how frustrated, discouraged, and just plain uncomfortable I felt by the time I left work today to go on my typical Monday trek--driving to Fremont (30-50 min), taking the BART up to North Berkeley (55 min), PME rehearsal (2.5 hrs), waiting for the BART in the cold (15-20 min), BART ride down (55 min) and a sleepy and at times dangerous drive home (40 min). I always dread that drive home; by the time I get to Fremont it's about 11:30pm, I'm super-tired and rather chilly even when I didn't forget to bring a scarf and a jacket.

But today I gave the ole iPod a go, something I actually surprisingly haven't done in a while. Actually, it's usually hit or miss with my iPod; I find that I have so much of a variety of music that the songs that come up in shuffle mode almost never match my current mood. I don't have the patience or decisiveness to sit around making playlists for said moods, either.

This time, though, I don't know if it was my kickass Sony headphones or what, but every song I listened to brought back either a flood of memories or felt so fulfilling and exciting in its own unique way. First it was Kanye, with the usual awesome sample of some old song sped up, and really chill yet poignant message. Then it was "Hunter" and "Joga" by Bjork, two of my favorite, favorite songs. Her music has this way of making me feel heartbroken and ecstatic at the same time. I love the balance between the clever rhythms, percussion, and sound effects, and the warm, passionate string instruments, as well as her vocals, which also alternate between lots of electronic distortion and naked humanity. And the lyrics are often vague to the point of sounding almost random, yet they convey strong emotions and paint vivid pictures at the same time.

Then it was "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow, which I still like even though it was seriously overplayed on the radio when it came out, which always makes me feel like I'm driving in Miami or SoCal or something.

By the time Jacques Brel came on with a ridiculously silly song in French, I was just in awe of how much meaning music can convey, how much variety and freedom it offers, how much history and personality it immortalizes in every song. That's when I heard a song by the Stars, talking about wanting one more chance
to be "young and wild and free." And Saves the Day, emoting with a
mixture of angstful vocals and really beautiful guitar progressions. By then, I was caught in that exquisite bittersweet feeling of being transported by music, in which I am both grateful to be there, anxious to become even more fully immersed, and in grief that the feeling is always so fleeting.

For someone who has been involved with music in some form her whole life, I often miss that feeling. There are so many times when my focus is on worrying whether I'm sounding good, analyzing music performances for technical accuracy, fretting about my improvisation skills, thinking I'll never be a good enough musician, feeling self-conscious on the dance floor, feeling guilty about not practicing enough, getting stressed about rehearsal schedules, or simply being too wound up to let myself be moved by music. It's so easy to lose sight of the raw power of music; it really only gives you as much as you can let it at any given moment.

That's totally how I feel about love in general. People who lack compassion, or who despair, are just blocking themselves off from the most nourishing thing in this world. We do it to protect ourselves, we do it out of fear, we do it out of doubt. But it's moments like these that make me remember why life is worth living, and living fully. Music is love, baby.

Gotta love open source.

2007-10-06T14:53:00.001-07:00

Hello blog,

Well, I have to 'fess up. I haven't been sure whether this blogging thing is working for me; I think I'm having a crisis of purpose here. I think I partly made this blog for the wrong reasons--like, wanting to be able to journal my innermost thoughts somewhere on a regular basis. But, hm, maybe an actual private journal would be better for that sort of thing! That way, I won't have an urge to write something and then think, "...but do I really want to share this piece of personal information with the online world?" Besides, I think my readership (which, I believe, has consisted of a few of my good friends and loved ones--thanks people!) will get tired of all of the internal monologue, sprinkled with occasional angst, that goes on inside my head. And finally, there are other, less internal ways to examine the amount of "l-o-v-e," or lack thereof at times, in the world, that don't involve reporting on the daily (or bimonthly, as seems to be the case here) temperature of my own moods.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to attempt to shift my theme ever so slightly outward, to things that are happening out in the big wide world. Hopefully I've absorbed enough KQED, Newsweek, NYTimes, Food Network, and self-help books to have some interesting things to say here. Time will only tell if it's enough to keep this li'l' blog o' mine shiny.

Oh yeah, open source. So the Jaguar of this mid-blog-life crisis of mine is ScribeFire, which is supposed to be an indispensible aid to more efficient blogging. And it's free! So far, in the 3 minutes I've used it, I'm liking it.

Much love, my friends.

want to see a picture of me?

2007-07-21T16:21:00.001-07:00

I was looking through some of my digital photos from the past, and I realized that I've never posted a pic of myself on this blog. So here's a lovely picture, with my "face" and all:

Hah! That picture was taken in Peru, on the 4th day of a 5 day hike on the Salcantay trail to Machu Picchu. It was...almost 2 years ago, dang. Can't believe how time flies! Anyway, being the bug-magnet that I am, I'd gotten so many bug bites on my hand by that point that it was totally swollen, and I could make dents in my hand that would stay there for a while. So I thought I'd flex my artistic muscles and make a lovely picture...

okay, sleep. i'm ready for you. no, really.

2007-04-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

good lord. i'm sufficiently indignant to feel the need to delay bedtime in order to write that i haven't had this crazy a schedule since i was a student. i'm just waiting for a free moment to catch up on sleep...been waiting for a few weeks now.

i was going along for a while just fine with preparation for this Jazz & Pop concert PME is putting on. unlike most other concerts, this one is primarily made up of small group numbers, and people in the group put together their own small group songs, rehearse them on their own time, then audition within the group (coming April 30) to see which songs make it into the show.

i'm rehearsing 9 songs for the auditions, which means i've been going up to berserkeley literally 5 to 6 days a week, and from campbell, that's no small feat.

i was fine until this past weekend, when i flew to MD for my grandmother's 80th birthday celebration, which was basically a huge family reunion (160+ people!). i basically got a total of 8 hours of sleep the whole weekend, and came back to CA only to hit the ground running again with rehearsals, which is just not cool anymore. i have had zero time to catch up on the sleep i lost this weekend, and i'm starting to resort to drastic measures to keep myself awake on the drives home from berkeley late at night...

can we say burning out?

...and with that, i'm off to bed. thank GOD i finally have a break from rehearsals for the next 2 nights.

goodreads

2007-04-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

I just added a new lil' section to my blog sidebar. Isn't it lovely? Actually, it's pretty ugly, if you ask me, but it is generated by a 3rd-party site, so what can I do?

Anyway, Kristy invited me to the site, and I think it's a great idea. Hopefully it won't become another one of those time sinks that just spams my inbox; optimistically speaking, at least it has a purpose other than to be social. I've always wanted to keep track of books I intended to read, and even toyed with the idea of starting a list on my blog. Now I don't have to!

wachet auf!

2007-03-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

That's German for "wake up!" and it's the title of the latest performance by PME. We had our first show last weekend aaaall the way up in Santa Rosa, reminding me yet again just how far south I live from the group's home base in Berkeley. I did use that as an excuse to spend an 'anniversary' weekend with Catherine in Sonoma beforehand, replete with a reprise at the Trojan Horse Inn bed & breakfast, and a wine hike a la Russ Beebe. So...I suppose it wasn't a total loss! ;)

Anyway, about the PME concert, a member of the group, Nette, wrote a nice blog entry about that performance, with pictures a la Catherine, no less! The show kicked butt, imho, especially given the almost obscenely small amount of time we had to prepare for it. We've got two more shows this weekend, and then a total context switch from this classical, often German set, to rehearsing for our annual Jazz & Pop a cappella show. Wow, who'd have thunk I'd be doing a cappella again after college was over?

While I've felt pretty consistently for the past few weeks as though there was no time for me to think (let alone blog), I have to say I've been having a blast. I LOVE that singing is in my life again, and it's totally worth the countless car/BART/walking treks up to Berkeley, SF and *gasp* Santa Rosa.

I guess despite my not having been this sleep-deprived since I stopped having homework, and drowning in rivers of email, schedules, and work, I'm kinda slipping into happy niches in various parts of my life. At work, I've successfully navigated my way from 'college hire' to valued team member. At PME, more and more people (though still not all) have stopped confusing me with the other new Asian girl in the group (yeah...doh!). In general, I'm just in my zone right now--I'm 25, not 21, not 30. I like that.

Now if only Catherine were in the Bay Area...*sigh*

a testimonial

2007-01-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all,

I just wrote a testimonial for my sister's website, www.drteresa.net. She's a chiropractor specializing in Network Spinal Analysis. I'm pasting the testimonial here--enjoy! It's all true, btw.

"When I experienced network spinal analysis for the first time, I was extremely skeptical. My sister had taken me along with her to her network chiropractor, and I remember thinking to myself, while being entrained, that I couldn’t feel anything happening, that it didn’t make sense that anything would happen; the chiropractor was barely touching me at all. When I stood up afterwards, he told me that one of my legs had been shorter than the other, and that they were now even. I didn’t notice anything, and left still disbelieving.

"Years later, when my sister decided to pursue a career in network spinal analysis, I decided to suspend my disbelief and give it another try, if for no other reason than to support her in her choice—what did I have to lose? Yet, over the next several visits, I had to admit to myself that I sometimes did feel parts of my body begin to relax during entraining, and that, more often than not, by the end of my entraining session, I was able to breathe fully from the tip of my head to the tips of my toes in a totally effortless manner. Being a generally high-stress over-achiever, this sense of physical and mental peace was a very new experience!

"Over time, this vague experience of relaxation evolved into a very acute awareness of my body and heart. At a typical entrainment session, my sister will gently but firmly touch a particular spot along my spine, and I will suddenly become aware of several areas of tension in my body. And having become connected with the areas of tension, I become able to let them go, to let them seep out of my body. Often I feel a sense of relief. Some days, I feel a surge of new energy as old aches in my neck, shoulders, hips, or back melt away. Other days, I feel exhausted, because I’m relaxing my body for the first time all week. A few times, I’ve even cried as some wordless, suppressed pain that I’d locked away somewhere in my body was finally acknowledged and released.

"These experiences have had a profound effect on my life and well-being. I’ve learned that there is a close, clear connection between my physical body and my mental and emotional states. While I still don’t always treat my body and my self perfectly, I am more aware of the effects of my choices on all aspects of my being. My network care gives me a chance to check in with myself, and to figure out how to take care of myself. And in so doing, I’ve discovered greater compassion for myself, and a greater sense of inner strength and security from which I can extend greater compassion to others.

"After having such life-changing experiences, and after seeing for myself time and time again that they are a direct result of the network care I receive, I’d be a fool to retain my former skepticism. The progress I make in my entrainment sessions is inextricably linked to the progress I’ve made elsewhere, in striving to live as fully and openly as I can. As a result, network care, so much more than just medical care or physical therapy, has become a part of my life."

Word.

my new favorite snack

2006-12-31T13:38:00.000-08:00

BBQ Kettle Bakes from Trader Joe's. Catherine recommended them to me, and I was skeptical at first, because I generally don't like Kettle chips. They're too thick and hard, and the potato flavor is overwhelming.

But I just got a bag today, and I have to say, the Kettle Bakes are totally different--light, thin, and crispy. They taste just like regular potato chips except without the greasiness. And they're healthier than pita chips! I'm a convert. ...I should be getting commission from them. ;)

Happy New Year!

cuckoo's nest

2006-12-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

Just saw Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest last night--a solo performance by Kristina Wong analyzing mental illness in Asian women in the U.S. I liked it; it was entertaining at times, poignant at others. It seemed more about raising questions than necessarily providing answers, which didn't make it any less needed. It made me think of all sorts of little and not-so-little traumas I've seen and known in my life and in those of people close to me. I think of how resilient we are, yet at the same time how we aren't so impervious to pain as we sometimes like to think.

It also made me think twice about my own prejudices against Asian women. I do start with some basic assumptions about folks when I meet them, and I guess they're not always good. I think part of it stems from a sort of resentful longing I had at different points in my life since I never seemed to fit in with other Asians. In high school, there was a big Asian clique, that my cousins belonged to, but that I was never really able to relate to. At Stanford, the same thing happened, though a lot of that was because it was full of Asian christians, who I really did not relate with. My set of friends was always much more...multi-cultural, let's say. I patted myself on the back, saying I had much more personality, more spice than these seemingly tame people who looked like me, but certainly didn't seem to think like me. Yet I have to admit that on some level, I always felt that longing, that desire to be a part of that tight-knit family.

So it was pretty ironic when I started a relationship with an Asian American Catholic woman. Hah. I even had misgivings in the beginning, knowing that I hadn't been able to find common ground with my so-called "Asian sisters" before. But lo and behold, not all people are the same. ;) I think my relationship with Catherine, and things like this Kristina Wong performance, are sort of evolving my ongoing relationship with this issue to one of more peace. Heck, after the performance, I went out to a late dinner with a group of activist Asian American friends, and I think I was more able to let my guard down and be chill with them.

Hopefully this post makes some sense, and you don't now think I'm just totally racist against my own people. This really has been a really old internal conflict for me. Catherine can attest to it. ;p

i need a break!

2006-12-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

wow, i've been so busy lately. i'll go in reverse order; might as well keep the blog format. ;)

first performance of the year with PME was last night; it went really well! the audience really responded to the music. of course, it meant trekking up to Berkeley several times in the last week; that was craziness. thank god for the BART, but it needs to extend down to the south bay for folks like me! and thank god for Forum podcasts.

went to yoshi's on saturday night (another trek up to Oak-town), for 2 friends' joint birthday. it's a jazz club with a very nightclubby feel, and ever since i was in college, i kept hearing people rave about this place. after finally experiencing it firsthand, i give it 2 thumbs up. very chill, very cool (though physically very warm).

thanksgiving was a very good time as well. i made green beans with pancetta, wild mushroom soup with chestnuts and roasted fennel, and the apple tart i made last year (yum, puff pastry!). yes, they're all Food Network creations--what do you expect? my tv hardly ever leaves that channel. then on black friday i scored a pair of Arden B. black pants marked down from $90 to $11. of course, i payed the price by waiting in line there after this group of 3 obnoxious women who kept hogging the cashier. one would start paying, and the other two would go grab more clothes and bring them back to buy. i'm sure they were at that register for a good hour at least. towards the end, when my mom and i were finally near the front of the line, one of them had the nerve to try to take up a second register while they were still being helped at the first. so cindy had to break out that 'oh-NO-you-don't' side that only my closest friends have had occasion to see. although that woman gave me the stinkest eye i've ever seen, thankfully the cashier sided with reason and told her she'd have to get to the back of the line to start another transaction. yea, BACK OF THE LINE, sister! did i have bottled up aggression at that point? um, that would be yes.

catherine and i had a joint birthday party out in the park the weekend before thanksgiving; lots of friends came, and a good number actually gave us presents, which was a pleasant surprise! and here i thought the days of presents were over. maybe it's just a college thing not to give presents, when the only things that matter are sleep, food, studying, (booze, for most,) and conserving one's cash. anyway, it was a great time. we played capture the flag, in which i DOMINATED!! well, for one point at least.

ah, yes, and the weekend before that i sang 'ave maria' at catherine's sister's wedding. a big stylistic jump for me; definitely a far cry from my R&B, soul, motown past. i'm still rather new to the whole classical style of music, despite being in PME for a few months now, so i went out and rented a slew of books on classical singing style, after discovering the huge 6-story MLK library in san jose (looks like it's the main library in use by san jose state students). isn't that awesome? a university-level library open to the public! i was in heaven. anyway, so i got a bunch of books by herbert-caesari, who is supposed to be the last proponent of the 'old italian school' of voice. despite his exceedingly pedantic, didactic, and in general very extreme tone, there was plenty of useful information that i wish i'd known a long time ago. i'm considering quitting drum lessons and taking up voice....more on that later.

i think that just about takes me as far back as my memory will currently allow for. and i gotta get to work. long story short, i've been in a whirlwind of activity for the past month at least, tornado really, and while it's been fun, it's also been very exhausting and i'm starting to look at how not to be constantly overcommitted. story of my life...just get me through the holiday season!

i can sing!

2006-09-30T18:35:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm so excited about singing. As you may know, I've been practicing some warmup scales from the book/CD I've been reading, trying to find my middle voice.

I was in my car the other day (which is normally when I do my singing practice, although it's probably a little too distracting for my safety), driving home after taking a friend to the airport, and decided to see how it felt to sing some actual songs again, now that I've kind of been exploring this new part of my voice. So I popped in my iPod cassette adapter, started singing, and it felt, well, GREAT!! I felt so much more ease singing in that part of my range that has always been kind of stressful to me--the part that's kind of too high to belt for extended periods of time, but a bit too low to sing in my head voice--not talking about ice cream voice, Yelena ;), although I think that voice may be talking right now....

The end result? I was able to sing nonstop the entire way home from SFO without wear ing my voice out! It may not sound like much, but for me it felt like the time I swam 1K for the first time. I had majorly plateaued before I started using this book, and always felt so restricted in what songs I could sing and how many I could last through. Now the doors are wide open; I bet even karaoke will be more fun! Care to join, anyone??

the right direction

2006-09-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

So, earlier this week I ended up flying over to MD for half a day to go to my great-uncle's funeral; he passed away due to cancer. My parents had just flown to China when it happened, and since they couldn't fly back in time, they wanted one or more of their kids to go. All 3 of us live in CA, so deciding which of us would go was a hard choice to make.

My ultimate decision to go was the end of a rather agonizing process, which started out with extreme resistance. My inital reasons: all of us had just flown to Boston for my great-aunt's funeral a couple months ago (both were siblings of my maternal grandmother), and I was just recovering from the $700 hole that left in my wallet. (Ironically, the fact that we all went to the previous funeral meant that it would look rather bad if none or only one of us went to this one). Also, I had taken lots of vacation and plane trips already, and I was planning on more, so I didn't want to take even more time off work. Finally, the funeral was scheduled for Tuesday, and I was going to have to miss a second PME rehearsal and my drum lesson, and there was a rule (or so I thought) that if someone missed 2 PME rehearsals, they'd have to be tested by the music director to see if they were eligible to perform in the upcoming concert (there are only 3 concerts a year in the group, so it was a big deal). All these reasons were floating around in my head and made my initial reaction, "I don't see how I could possibly go."

My sister agreed to go, my brother was too busy, and we all basically decided that she would represent us all in MD. But even though all my perceived conflicts were avoided, I felt a nagging doubt, like I was making the wrong choice. I was tired, stressed out, and didn't want to just cop out with the easy choice of not going, but i didn't want to just go out of this feeling of vague guilt, either. I got the impression that my sister disapproved of my not going, but my brother said he would understand whichever choice I decided to make. That was really helpful to me.

Anyway, Catherine, in her usual wisdom, suggested I make whichever choice would allow me to wake up the next day and feel like a better person. She said that didn't necessarily mean I had to decide to go--in fact, she was worried about me causing myself undue stress in having to go through another audition-like process (she was witness to how difficult the actual audition process had been for me). Basically, she wanted me to make whichever decision would be best for me.

Best for me, according to me--this was the same thing preached in the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" book by Stephen Covey I'd just been re-reading, a book I highly recommend, by the way. I don't have the energy to ramble about the thesis of that book right now, but essentially it introduces the idea of basing one's choices and plans on a set of principles and values that make up one's life mission, rather than on other less important, often external factors (like outside situations, and other people's expectations or opinions).

Putting 2 and 2 together, I realized that this choice of mine was riddled with bad reasons on either side. Concerns about missed rehearsals, my being perceived as flaky by my work, or PME, or my drum teacher, those were not really legitimate reasons not to go. And concerns about my extended family's expectations and judgements, or about my parents' perception of my generosity and/or selfishness, were not really legitimate reasons TO go. On the other hand, my deepest values, including wanting to show support, love, and passion to others and to myself, were the real factors at stake.

Again Catherine was a huge support to me here. She offered to help me find a way to work around the missed rehearsal by helping me figure out how to move my October MD visit so that I wouldn't have to miss a second PME rehearsal. That pretty much solved the problem of my need to take care of myself; I was willing at that point to say goodbye to the plane ticket money, and to deal with the lost sleep involved with taking the trip. At the same time, I reaffirmed my real reasons for going--I knew I would give my parents comfort in my going, because they must have felt quite bad at not being able to go themselves. I wanted to support my grandmother, who was losing her second and last sibling. I wanted my extended family to be reassured that the younger generation (my generation) has its values in place, and that when the chips were down, we recognize what's most important.

So, in the end, I was able to come to a decision that was really mine, rather than going through the motions either way and allowing myself to succumb to circumstance. And I believe this is a step in the right direction in this longest, most difficult personal struggle of mine to live fully with love as my guide.

middle voice

2006-09-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

May I first start by saying how ridiculously busy I've been this week? I really am a serial hobbyist; sometimes I think I just need to chill out.

Anyway, to completely change the subject, I had a revelation today as I was reading "Set Your Voice Free" by Roger L-O-V-E (hah...). This purchase was my attempt to try to alleviate my anxiousness about the alto singing in PME; skimming through it at the store, I was intrigued by the so-called "middle voice" that he mentions and focuses on. Lo and behold, he was talking about the transition area between the chest and head voice, which is supposed to have some qualities of both. This is exactly what I've been looking for my whole singing life! I've always had a horrible break in my chest/head transition, and the lower part of my head range has always been too weak for my liking, but I can't just sing all this classical stuff in chest.

I actually kind of intuitively came across my middle voice when trying to experiment with how to make my head voice sound more "chesty" and less weak, but it never occurred to me to try and build up this middle voice--that it was something definable and improveable. I haven't read through his exercises for building up the middle voice yet, but I'm really excited to try it! I'll let you know if it works.

I guess that's what I get for never actually taking voice lessons.

PME

2006-09-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hello again.

I just got back home from a vocal workshop for a singing group I just joined, the Pacific Mozart Ensemble. I auditioned a couple weeks ago and was accepted--woohoo! The workshop was fun; I left feeling a bit concerned though, because I'm singing alto, and I've always sung soprano in the past. I'm used to singing in my chest voice for pop/soul/R&B styles of music, but not for choir material. I don't think I was singing correctly. What to do?? I thought of taking a few voice lessons, but I don't want to add anything more to my already plump schedule. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'm just glad to be singing again!

Still alive. For the next day at least.

2006-08-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

I am, really. Won't post anything substantial though until sometime after tomorrow--my honey is leaving to the East Coast for a long, long time...:*( and I'm gonna spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves. Waah! (the leaving part, not the spending time part.) TTFN

SBTB, part 2

2006-05-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

I was going to respond to Chris's comment on my last post with another comment, but didn't want this link to get passed by. Yes, my friends, the Hot Sundae music video from the caffeine pill episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZoYEVAOsgw&search=hot%20sundae

Someone mentioned the adult swim showing of it in the comments; apparently they altered the video slightly when they broadcasted it there.

Okay, that show has taken up enough of my blog for the time being. Unless, of course, I find another video from it worth posting. Heh.

why 'saved by the bell' was always so painful, yet so good

2006-05-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

If you grew up in my era of childhood, you probably already understand the paradox of the TV series "Saved By The Bell." The show was, let's face it, super cheesy. Behind their at-the-time cool hair swoops and neon-colored clothes, their afternoon-TV personalities were at best, watered-down versions of reality. You knew Zack caused trouble but would never do anything too scandalous, and that his friends would always forgive him or pay him back in some cute way. At worst, the characters would get even cheesier and try to promote some important moral message in a very simplistic manner (remember the "There's no hope with dope" episode?).

And yet....

Somehow I could not pull away from it, and even got joy out of watching it when the reruns would air in the afternoons after the series ended (and was replaced with the spin-off "The College Years," which I could not stand watching most of the time). I don't think I quite understand why I still liked the show. Maybe it was because one of the only other choices at the time was Full House, which upped the cheese factor by 2000% and did away with most of the coolness factor. Or maybe it was because, in Zack's little watered-down, afternoon-TV world, he was actually cool. Somehow the show made me believe that Zack, despite being a trouble maker, was essentially a good person, and therefore I liked to see his friends forgive him of his faults and occasionally teach him a lesson. Or maybe it was just the hilarity of hearing the studio audience yell "oooooh!" every time he hit on Kelly or Slater pumped iron at random times on the set.

In any case, it's time for me to stop pretending that the purpose of this post is a deep, philosophical one. I really just think this clip on YouTube of Slater dancing is ridiculously funny. But it does demonstrate pretty well the often failed attempts to convey coolness on the show. HAHA!

say it, girl!!

2006-05-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

http://colours.mahost.org/org/notenough.html

'nuf said.

goin home!

2006-03-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

i'm sick AGAIN, so i'll make this short and head to bed. just wanted to let you Maryland people know that i'll be heading over there for a few days in late april! i'll be there the 23rd to the 26th, to be exact, and then i'll be in the jersey/NY area again for the rest of that week. i know i was just there a few weeks ago, but hey, this is what you gotta do in long distance relationships. and maybe i can see yelena this time!

alright, time for nyquil and groggy, wonderful sleep.

1K, baby

2006-03-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

i'd like to take a moment to announce that i swam 1000 yards freestyle for my first time ever! i know it's not a lot to many swimming folk, but it's my personal best so far. i was on my high school swim team for a bit back in the day, but i was always in the slow lane, and didn't really know or learn good stroking, kicking, or breathing technique there, and was pretty much in it because i wanted some exercise and because my friend Yelena was on the team. every practice was sooo painful, i couldn't ever finish the workouts the coach gave us, and i h-a-t-e-d swim meets (even though i usually only swam in the exhibition lane, 50-free).

so this time, i took a fresh outlook on the whole thing. i started swimming twice a week at the local community center, conveniently located next door to me. catherine, who also swam in high school (but who was actually very good at it), gave me some really useful technique pointers. i go at my own pace, pushing myself enough to improve, but not enough to make me unwilling to swim again. and i must say, i have a much healthier relationship with swimming than i had the first time around. after a few weeks, i swam 500 yards non-stop for the first time ever, and what amazed me the most about it was that i felt great afterwards! i had totally found a good rhythm and breathing pattern that worked for me, and i was instantly hooked. just a few more visits brought me to this past friday, and my 1000 yards. it was totally a Zen-like experience, just like the feeling that long-distance runners say they experience, which turns them into running addicts. i know i could've swum even longer, but i knew the pool was closing soon and i didn't want to overstay my welcome. very, very fun.

thank you, good people

2006-03-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

I just went to visit my girlfriend in the Wilson School at Princeton, and had a timely dose of fun times and awesome people. One night Catherine and her housemates threw a party in my honor (sheesh, wouldn't you feel lucky if you had parties thrown for them just for weekend visits? Thanks hon! Kristy says you spoil me, which is true I admit), and I got to meet some of her ridiculously amazing and down-to-earth friends there. I'd have felt a little intimidated by all these multi-lingual, accomplished, and selfless people if they hadn't been so welcoming and engaging.

That was Friday night; Saturday was just as well, as I went up to NYC to see some of my closest EP friends there, plus Catherine's friend who I also got to bond with in Peru last summer. AND totally unexpectedly, I saw some other friends that night at a birthday shindig that I haven't seen since graduation.

All in all, I felt surrounded for the first time in a while by lots of awesome, politically conscious, real people.

...and i thought princeton was already too conservative 7 years ago

2006-02-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

I am disgusted. Thoroughly sickened. Sure, it's no news that conservatives and the Christian right are total hypocrites for staking their claim on morality while simultaneously seeking to further their own monetary or even racist agendas. But in perusing the website for The Nation for the first time, I came across a cover story detailing a wealthy, stealthy conservative agenda to take over the world of academia. Funny, even back when I visited Princeton as a prospective college in '99, before the Madison Project actually took off there, according to this article, I decided against it because the student body seemed too conservative for my likings. Hah, I guess that just shows how much of a polar opposite I am to those crazies that are taking over Princeton / running our country. :/

I mean, how can they claim to be moral Christians when, according to the Bible, they'd be the worst out of anyone? Okay, they're claiming that their pro-life stance is a result of their desire to preserve life at all costs; so why are they pro-death-penalty? If they claim that God is supposed to pass judgement on everyone, then who are they to a) determine when someone should be put to death, and b) put them to death? Why are they all so damn rich, and believe they can or should coerce people to correct moral values using their financial power? Isn't there a Biblical saying about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to go to Heaven? And I'm tired of people conflating "traditional" values with "correct, moral" ones. Sure, maybe things seemed nicer and more proper to white people in the '50's, but oh yeah, they were mostly racist and sexist too. And a lot of the actions of conservatives in power in this country appear to be no different. They cut taxes for the rich (mostly whites), while removing funding for programs to help the poor (mostly people of color). They remove protections for working-class people and immigrants, while at the same time profiting from their exploitation. They just so happen to wage wars on countries with lots of oil. Oh, did they not notice that they had no evidence of a tie between Iraq and Al Qaeda? Maybe all brown-skinned people look the same to them...honest mistake, eh?

Yeah, they're right, our country is becoming more and more morally bankrupt. But the worst offenders are the people with the most money. Yay, capitalism. Let's see, if you build a system in which financial superiority results in success and power, is it surprising that the greediest people will end up on top?? It ain't rocket science, folks.

Anyway, frustrating diatribes aside, I really liked the article. It's really refreshing to see such a cogent and comprehensive criticism of the underpinnings of conservatism. Reading things like that are a huge step up from listening to frustrated but underinformed fellow student activists, or listening to politicians spout rhetoric on NPR. Of course, I have lots of respect for both activists and NPR, of course, having been and worked with the first and listened to the second almost every day. But as a first-time The Nation reader, I was impressed by its depth of analysis and evidentiary support (woah, been dating a law student for too long). I definitely plan to continue seeing what its writers have to say in the future.

baboons

2006-02-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

...randomly watched Animal Planet this morning and saw a rerun of "Growing Up Baboon," about a baboon conservation in South Africa. It's amazing how much care they are able to give the baboons, to the point of being strikingly like raising a family and setting them off into the world. Plus the little ones were so cute! They actually had diapers on and were being bottle-fed. Maybe I've just grown a soft spot for babies. *sigh*

i know, i know

2006-02-22T18:56:00.000-08:00

so, it's been a long time. i'm not going to try to make up for lost time, because the amount of time that would take would probably deter me from ever blogging again.

i've been really, really angsty the past week, a symptom of the cycle i have perpetually been going through since i left high school and began college: every once in a while, i'll hit a really big low and wonder what my purpose in life is, or more accurately, whether there is one at all. it probably sounds very melodramatic, but it happens nonetheless. and now that i'm out of school and no longer have school to be at least a temporary 'purpose,' i feel it more often than not. and above all else, it's ANNOYING!! :I

catherine has a hunch that maybe i feel this way because i no longer participate in hobbies, causes, or what have you, that i'm really invested in. i'll admit there's truth to that. in addition to working relatively long but more or less reasonable hours at my full-time job, i also do tutoring at DCP on mondays *and* tuesdays, drum lessons also on tuesdays, yoga on wednesdays, and swimming on saturdays, and i haven't been doing any of these things for more than a couple months. and on top of that, i still stay awake at times thinking about all the other things i want to do that i don't have time for, like teaching myself more math, reading lots of books, learning to improv on the keyboard, running, cooking, singing, biking, etc....basically i want to do everything. and catherine's argument is that since i haven't been doing any of these things for very long, none of them will give me the sense of reward or joy that i used to get while singing with EP or playing the piano pre-college; i'd done those things for so long that it meant more to do them. furthermore, she says that if i continue jumping around among hobbies, i'll always be chasing satisfaction, and it will always remain elusive.

i do see the wisdom in this, and even just trying to write out all the things i want to do makes it seem obvious that i am searching for something. at the same time, though, what spins me into my cycle of depression is the realization that most of these things i want to do are just that: things. most of them diminish at some point to being nothing more than interesting hobbies, amusing pastimes. what i really value most is love, trying to become the most loving person i can so that i can make a positive difference in people's lives. and not only the hobbies, but even my job seem very far away from that right now. okay, i thought of a cheesy analogy, and now i have to write it: it's like Belle in the disney adaptation of Beauty and the Beast, where she sings, "there must be more than this provincial life." don't you hate it when you think of corny things like that, and then you just can't help saying them? okay, maybe it's just me....quiet, you! oh god, i'm so clichée.

anyhow, whatever it is i'm looking for, i don't think i've found it yet. i'm not so much in the throes of despair at the moment, having successfully (i hope) pulled myself out of that stage. but i still have this big question mark in my mind. in the meantime, i'm going to stop blogging at the office and get my butt home already.

cough cough

2006-01-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

boo-hoo. i'm sick, BUT--i got to work from home today, which was rather pleasant...i love my job!

i also just installed Photoshop Elements on my NEW home computer, HP Pavilion, 1G RAM, 2.2 GHz AMD processor, baby!! thank you mommy and daddy!! it's a huge step up from my old Dimension 2100 with a Celeron processor and no extensibility. Okay, and before I sotp myself from sounding like a geek, I have to brag about Photoshop Elements too: finally a program that actually has all the features I want! And makes it so easy to share photos...I finally posted 2 sets of pics that I've been meaning to send for ages. I love it love it love it. Whoever works at that company must be an absolute GENIUS...nod, nod, wink, wink.

(begin non sequitur)

new year's was pretty fun, went down to West Hollywood in LA with my girlfriend and some other friends. also got to have dinner with one of my long-lost a cappella friends who now lives across the country in NY...*sniff*. Korean BBQ, karaoke, club...who knew I was so happenin'? Or so Asian, for that matter....hehe.

It was the first time I didn't do the 'sit around the TV with family and/or friends and toast at midnight' thing, possibly because it was the first time i didn't do new year's in MD. ;) no offense, my lovely MD friends, but honestly, do you disagree?? But seriously though, the change was a bit bizarre. I always felt like there was ceremony around new year's, and it was a time of contemplation, celebration, appreciation, etc. etc. But this year, call me crazy but it's hard to feel ceremonious when you're surrounded by loud music, party lights, random people with LA-ish clothes on, with a caramel apple martini in your hand that just got half-spilled all over your jeans. not that it wasn't fun, but...was it new year's? i guess since i'm one year older, it must have been. (ah...wise cindy moment.)

(end rambling)

home sweet home...for a day

2005-12-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

hellooooo...i'm home!! i can't tell you how happy i am to no longer be on a plane with a crick in my neck, sitting next to a large, smelly, and slightly rude man, and with airplane headphones that don't work, having missed the drink service because i had dozed off, having woken up at 4am to catch my 6:30am flight an hour's drive away, only to find that the flight was delayed because the flight crew arrived late that morning (what IS that??). rraaarrgh!!

it just made the moment ever sweeter in which i stepped into my apartment after having waited for a shuttle in the rain, rode for over an hour in it and lugged my bags up the stairs with my weak, tired and stiff legs. i opened the door and immediately an imaginary choir heralded my homecoming. you know how you feel so good that you imagine choruses of people singing a heavenly note "Aaaaaah...!" That's what i mean.

i should be sleeping right now; instead, as soon as i was home i cleaned my entire bathroom, did some laundry, and picked up around my room. so typical. i wonder why i always persist in doing anything but sleep even when i'm so tired my head is throbbing.

and alas, this little retreat from outside interaction is shortlived. tomorrow i hop on another plane and head down to SoCal to spend new year's, coming back the day after (on new year's day), and the day after that, going back to work. *sigh*

baby part deux

2005-12-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

oh and you can see my beautiful niece on the sidebar link to my brother's blog (Mike 'n' Annette). :D

drama, friends and fondue

2005-12-28T22:20:00.000-08:00

i have come full circle today, friends. after some SERIOUS falling out drama last night with someone in the family, and i'll spare you the gory details, i was totally crushed, angry, insulted, guilty, depressed, embarrassed, and frustrated all rolled into one me. i spent much of the day pretty much incapacitated, stuck at home and wanting to see friends but not really wanting to leave the house, wanting family but not really wanting it...and all the time wondering how my life became so dramatic all of a sudden.

thank goodness my girlfriend stayed on the phone with me from across the country, trying her best to support me even though she is involved in the complex web of relationships that make up this drama herself. i'm so lucky to have her; she stuck with me through my ranting, my slight tantrums, and my grief. i love you honey!!

and after that i went to dinner with a couple good friends from pre-college years, after they each let me rant to them individually on IM and on the phone; i even felt safe enough to start trying to patch things up.

and lastly, a girl's night at Sarah's with fondue and laughter and Project Runway! YES, what could have been more therapeutic?? i love that so many times in my life, just when circumstances have become almost too much to bear, some timely rescue has come in often unexpected forms, to remind me of all there is for me to appreciate. *satisfied grateful sigh* i love my friends! thanks y'alls.

success!!

2005-12-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

woohoo! this rocks!! :D

okay, time to go to bed now. it says 9:30ish on the post, but really i'm on the east coast so it's past midnight...psout!

Testing

2005-12-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

I just found this new email blog posting feature on blogspot. Testing to see if it works...

serenity, family

2005-12-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

ok so based on the title of my blog, i bet you think 'serenity' means i had some new revelation about my life...actually, i'm just referring to the Joss Whedon sci fi movie. LOVED it! okay, okay, so i admit i'm obsessed with Buffy and Angel (thank you Watson! your DVDs are still safe in my home) and that i played encore once and actually sang songs from the musical Buffy episode (ssshh), but dude, it was good. i wish they'd just let him keep making shows on TV and stop cancelling them...grrr.

before seeing the flick, i saw my great-uncle today; he has cancer and is having worse and worse pain, but i was really happy to see him still looking very active and present today. i'm so glad i took chinese in college; i actually was able to follow most of the conversation the family was having with him. i have some lingering regrets on not being loving enough to my grandmother (dad's mom) before she passed away; i was an impatient and self-absorbed teenager, and that in conjunction with the language barrier made it frustrating to try and talk to her. she lived with us in her last couple years, and i feel like there was so much more i could have done for her, to make her happy, satisfied, to make her feel appreciated and worthwhile. *sigh* but i believe the best thing you can do with a mistake is to learn from it. i want my other grandmother, my parents, relatives, and friends to feel supported by me, happy, fulfilled. that's my biggest wish and goal.

christmas and positivity

2005-12-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

howdy,

i've wanted to check in more, but having a job in which i type and stare at a computer screen all day doesn't make for high motivation to do the same when i get home. plus i've been struggling with carpel tunnel problems--not diagnosed or anything, but just discomfort/pain when i've been at it too long. so pardon my neglect! anyhoo, i'm on vacation for the holidays, so i don't mind typing now.

the BFL thing is long gone; it was pretty successful, but i really was ready for a break by the time it was done. plus, it's really difficult to have my girlfriend in town and still find the motivation/time to plan and execute all the BFL requirements. it's funny how couples can make each other gain weight like that sometimes; it had been so long since i'd seen her, and since she'd eaten good multicultural bay area food, that all we wanted to do was enjoy yummy food together. i'm still glad i did BFL though; it was nice to show myself that i can really do something i set my mind to. also it got me into running for the first time in my life. i actually reached my goal of running 5 miles within an hour, which i'd never ever done (within an hour or not) in my life!

afterwards i went through a very angsty phase in which i wondered what the purpose of my life was. one theme that has repercussed in my life for years and years is an underlying panic about "being productive" all the time, lest i wake up someday and realize i'm old and dissatisfied with my life. over time, it's evolved to a recognition that i don't actually need to be doing something so-called productive every minute in order to get somewhere with my life, and also that it's possible to be productive every minute, and still not be any closer to happiness. however, i still had not found the thing that WOULD make me happy.

my sister started listening to Tony Robbins recently, and she let my parents borrow a couple of the CDs to listen to; they are already fans of his. Then when they were visiting California, they gave them to me and told me to listen. i was feeling rather glum at the moment, and had a long drive ahead of me, so i thought, what the hey, and i stuck the CD in the car player. the stuff he said about fulfillment and achievement being separate things really struck a chord with me, and i started doing his first workshop, which is to dedicate 15 minutes to an hour each morning to take a walk, feel gratitude for the things i have in my life, visualize what i want to happen, and build up some positive energy around making those things happen, and enjoying and taking control of my life.

i've been doing the walks for a couple weeks now, and it's been quite an interesting experience. i wouldn't say i suddenly know what my mission in life is yet, but i've definitely realized that i have always focused on the negative side of things 95% of the time. i've always thought of myself as really selfish, ungrateful, and unsociable; but when had i ever really taken time to think about all the things that i could or should be grateful for? when have i ever stopped to remember and celebrate my good sides? sure, sometimes the worst in me comes out. but when those things happen, i don't feel in control, and i don't feel that i'm 'myself.' when i do feel that i'm being myself, it's when i can feel my heart; when i'm feeling love, compassion, and comraderie. spending celebration time each morning has helped me take ownership of those good sides more, and to return back every day to the places of love and gratitude that make me want to take care of other people, to make them feel happy and loved and appreciated.

i've felt sometimes, especially in the beginning, that it was too cheesy to think so positively, that it was uncool. but in thinking about it more, observing that misgiving in myself only confirmed how foreign positive thinking has been to me in the past. in fact, it's kinda sad to think that so many people spend so much time in negative mode. how many times did i have bitch-fests while directing my college a cappella group, complaining about this or that person, when it invariably made me feel even more closed, even more biased against those people. and how rarely did i take time, and i mean actually take time, to consider the good things about the group. i loved the group, i really did, but i think i missed out on the fulfillment it could have given me at the time because i was too wrapped up in feeling personally insulted or burdened by the drama.

anyhow, it's been nice to visit with my extended family this holiday season, donning a fresh attitude and a newfound wellspring of gratitude and love. i think that fulfillment really is at our fingertips, if we'd only embrace it.

now i just need to figure out what i want out of my life....

baby!!!!

2005-10-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

let's skip the formalities; I know it's been a long time since I posted.

I'm at work, so I'll keep this brief; my brother's wife just had a baby!!! aaaaahh!! :D :D :D the first baby in my immediate family; I can't wait to see her...

alright, now back to work, you!

laughing in the heat

2005-07-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

hey peepz, can i start by saying it is SO HOT outside!! i just love trying to fall asleep with as little fidgeting as possible so as not to risk raising my body temperature enough to make me sweat even more...yech.

anyhow, so i went to the San Jose Improv comedy theatre yesterday night, and despite the heat that plagued comedian and audience alike, i had a blast!! the featured comedian, Tony Dijamco, was awesome; really funny, and seemed to connect well with the audience. And the headliner, Jake Johanneson, also very funny; his performance wasn't as consistently funny as Tony's, as there were some slow parts, but the funny parts were super hilarious--there were a couple times he said something soooo funny--I laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes. I've seen some standup on TV but it is so much better live!! i had no idea. highly recommend seeing a live standup show.

i don't want to spend another 50,000 words talking about BFL for fear that I'll have to rename this entire blog after it, so I'll keep the update short. i haven't missed a workout yet, which is good. it's been tough sticking with the nightly planning, i'd say that was my hardest part of the challenge. some nights i get home from work and i just want to not think about anything, be kind of an automaton for a while. i've been playing way too much Spider Solitaire lately, for that very reason. so bad for my BFL habits though, and of course when i don't take time to plan i either start feeling bad about it, or i end up procrastinating til i should be sleeping, then write out a quick plan, and then feel bad anyway because i won't get to sleep enough, which i promised myself i'd do as part of keeping up with BFL.

pptttthhhbbtt is what I say about it now. sometimes it's important to check in with the motivation factor, make sure i'm still pushing forward, but sometimes it's also necessary to just coast for a little bit, let the brain cells and positivity have a rest. now is one of those resting times i think.

still trucking along

2005-06-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Hey, so I'm still doing this BFL thing; I'm done with week 3, and I started noticing this week that some of my clothes are starting to fit a bit looser on me. :D I'm getting the hang of the meals too; it doesn't take me too long to prepare my food for the day in the morning.

Not that it's been all clear sailing in the least. I started off the first week with a bang, totally motivated, as you saw in my previous post. But then, by the end of that week I started going into my old and bad habit of getting disheartened by slip-ups I would make; if I missed a meal one day, or didn't drink enough water, self-doubt would creep in. I guess one thing I'm starting to realize is that the reason I didn't succeed last time with BFL is because setting real goals and believing in them really entails putting yourself out there. I've never been a risk-taker; even as early as grade school, whenever I took a test I would immediately assume that I didn't do well on it, until I got the actual grade back. It was easier for me to accept potential failure beforehand, and then be pleasantly surprised by success, instead of expecting success only to suffer the disappointment of failure. I always did this--not just for tests but for auditions, high-school crushes, college admissions, you name it.

But this self-protection comes at a price--without daring to dream, and without risking anything, I've missed a bunch of opportunities to make truly significant accomplishments. And what's worse, even when I do accomplish something, I end up attributing it to luck as opposed to my own efforts. This is not to say that I have no self-confidence or sense of self-worth. I've made many accomplishments in my lifetime that I'm proud of, and I certainly don't think I'm devoid of intelligence or talent. But the issue lies here: that to me, all my successes have sprouted from opportunities that have presented themselves to me in the context of my day-to-day life; I can't think of many successes I've had that started with me fighting adversity, making a difficult restructuring of my life, pursuing an unlikely dream, or seeking out non-obvious opportunities. I could go off analyzing my successes and missed opportunities, but hopefully you get the picture by now.

Anyhow, so this BFL thing is really kind of scary to me, because I'm putting myself out there--making myself believe that I can reach my goals, and therefore making myself vulnerable to failure in a way that I've as a rule avoided my whole life. Pretty heavy stuff. A couple times (interestingly enough, usually during/after my free day, when I'm not exercising and am eating less healthy portions of less healthy foods), I've slipped into feeling the same old feelings of doubt, unhappiness, and desire to just give up. But my brother gave me some good advice about BFL, which he's also done before: he told me that I shouldn't think too much about whether I'm achieving results as quickly as I should be; I should keep in mind that the 12-week program is a long-term commitment, and if I don't see results right away, then I should just keep going and check back in a couple weeks. Hearing him say that really helped get me through this last week; rather than staring at the mirror every hour of every day, wondering whether I should be thinner by now, I just focused on the positives.

Also, I looked back at my daily progress sheets for the past few weeks and was surprised to see that I've for the most part actually stuck really well to the program. Funny how those 3 or 4 missed meals were so emphasized in my mind, but I'd forgotten about the 90+ meals I'd stuck with and done right. Yeah....so basically it's just been, and will undoubtedly continue to be, a big learning experience for me, and hopefully a lasting transformation as well. I'll continue keeping you posted...wish me luck!

I'm taking the BFL Challenge!!!

2005-06-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've done it. I've taken the plunge: this past Monday, I started the Body-for-Life program! If you haven't ever heard of it (http://www.bodyforlife.com/), it's a 12-week program created by Bill Phillips of eating right and exercising. My cousin successfully completed the challenge several years back; I kind of tried to jump on the band wagon then, but I hadn't read the book, and I was cutting corners here and there from the regimen, and most of all, I didn't really believe that I could change the way my body looked.

That's a big part of what he talks about in his book that describes the program. Basically, what it boils down to is that old saying, "if you can believe it, you can achieve it." Back then, I only wanted to do it because I thought it would be nice to look more in shape. I did the working out part okay, but I was too attached to junk food and fattening foods to even promise myself to cut them out of my diet 6 days a week. Eventually even my workouts became lackluster--I did them just to get through them, not because I was excited about the eventual results, which I didn't really think I had it in me to achieve.

This time, it's totally different. I bought the book myself (a year ago, after which it was promptly borrowed by my mother until a week ago ;) ), and as I read through it last week, I was astounded at how much what he said was hitting home with me. Not just with regards to physical fitness; he talked about how taking control of your body, and taking CARE of your body, is only the first step in taking care of every other aspect of your life.

And that hit me really hard. Sure, I am partially motivated to do it because I've been gaining more weight since I got out of school; I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life, in the past few years I've developed chronic knee/hip/lower back/upper back pain, and I've been tired all the time. But just as importantly, he reminded me of what was already supposed to be one of my deepest values: that mind, BODY, and soul are all connected. The fact that my body has been getting out of my control only makes sense when I consider the fact that I've also had mood swings, bouts of depression and insecurity, and confusion about my direction in life.

When I created this blog not so long ago, I was kind of in flux with these issues. I knew what my values were, and I knew that in the past I'd made good progress in certain ways--in letting loved ones know more often how much I care about them, for instance, or in taking up meditation. But nothing seemed to stick with me for the long term. I created this blog partially because I wanted a place to share some of my goings on, but also because I didn't want to let myself lose sight of what I most value and strive for in life. But I still didn't know what I was going to do to actually get there.

Reading this book made me realize that I need to do this program for myself. I need to show myself that I can set a long-term goal and actually stick with it, and see results because I stuck with it. Long-term efforts have always been a problem with me, and until now I just couldn't bring myself to make a self-promise like, "I will stick to this 12-week program and see results A, B, and C," because I was convinced that I'd just let myself down.

But not this time. I know now that not just my figure, but my values, my health, and ultimately my happiness in life are all at stake. I can't begin to describe what an important step this is for me. I've told several friends and members of my family, and now I've published it in my blog, so that even if my own resolve starts to wear thin, I'll know that I either have to continue and succeed in reaching my goals, or my friends, family, and anyone who reads this blog will think I'm a loser!! If that doesn't motivate me, I don't know what will. ;)

Anyhoo, I feel great so far. Some of the meals I've prepared so far are actually really tasty; it's a good thing I took up cooking recently, because home cooking always seems to taste better anyway. And after only a few days of being on the program, I already have more energy at work; before, I used to get so tired I'd have to sneak a nap in the middle of the day.

Alright, I've done enough ranting for tonight!

2005-06-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

One of the many huge lakes I saw in the Yukon, on an excursion during the Alaska cruise.

cruisin' in Alaska

2005-06-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

Hello, it's been a while since my last post because my girlfriend was visiting me for two weeks before leaving for Kosovo for 10 weeks...and right after that I went on a week-long cruise to Alaska with most of my family. I miss my girlfriend already; we've already had our share of long-distance before this, but it's the first time we've been in separate countries for an extended period of time, so it's even harder to deal with than usual. The biggest thing allowing me to cope with it right now is the fact that after this, she'll be back near me for a long while.

In the meantime, the cruise was an awesome way to distract me from being lonely. It was really, really good to spend time with my parents and my brother, because we've had some drama recently that I won't get into, and during this trip we were able to focus on being close, affectionate, and loving towards each other. It makes me really happy to know that even when things get tough, our love runs very deep, and we'll always be a family, supporting each other when it comes down to it.

Alaska was absolutely gorgeous as well; I saw my first glaciers, and in general it was full of beautiful lakes, mountains, icebergs, and waterfalls. I felt so lucky to be there, completely surrounded by nature's beauty, and so far away from urban life. It's pretty crazy how sparsely populated Alaska is; when we were out in the mountains, we were really OUT in the mountains; hardly a road, house, boat, anything in sight. I soooo needed that escape. It makes me feel like I can start afresh with everyday life now. We'll see how that actually goes. ;)

reiki response

2005-05-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

I just took a Reiki I class yesterday, and I think it may have thrown me off a bit.

I liked the class; it attuned us to the first level of reiki practice. Some parts of it I thought were neat, other parts seemed a little hokey to me, perhaps. But the main message of Reiki I really like, because it contains lots of similarities to the values I have about life, loving kindness, and releasing of "ego":

"For today only, anger not, worry not,
Have humility and gratitude.
Do your work with appreciation;
Be kind to all."

During the class, we each received an attunement to activate our ability to channel Reiki energy, which is basically the same concept of chi, or prana, in other meditative practices in other cultures. We were warned that after our attunement, for the next several days we might have a reaction to it. Some people get sick, others may feel pleasant or unpleasant emotions, some people may notice nothing; it depends on the individual.

As for me, I think I may be in the "unpleasant emotions" camp. I've been in really good spirits the past month or so, having finally adjusted to my new job and lifestyle change. All of a sudden, after the class, though, I've been feeling super irritable, which hasn't happened to me in a while. I feel off, a little spacey, and restless, and I notice myself taking things personally and reacting strongly to what I know doesn't really have to be a big deal. I hope it's the Reiki, and not just me being crappy! I guess the best I can do is follow the advice about what to do for the few weeks after the class (do self-Reiki, drink lots of water, meditate, eat healthily) and try to keep the basic principles in mind. Even if it doesn't do anything (although doing those things should have positive effects, Reiki or no Reiki), it can't hurt, right?

stop and send the flowers!

2005-05-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

I had a kind of silly epiphany last week concerning Mother's Day, that I credit to my girlfriend's good influence on me. The epiphany was entitled, "Flowers: To Send or Not To Send?" The first section obviously cited previous research on the subject, namely all the previous years I had considered sending flowers, but didn't, because I felt they were too trite, and weren't special enough to show real appreciation to my mom. So instead, I waffled until Mother's Day came around, and then I guiltily picked up the phone and told her Happy Mother's Day, feeling like the most worthless daughter ever.

Following the acknowledgement of past works came the new breakthrough formula:

no flowers = no sign of appreciation = 0
flowers = a sign of appreciation = 1
1 > 0
a sign of appreciation > no sign of appreciation
therefore, flowers > no flowers

...or in other words, in conclusion, "'Tis greater to give flowers than to give no flowers." Duh! I spent all that time fretting over doing something great, and all that time I was just sending the message to my mom that I wasn't even thinking of her at all.

Yeah, it's pretty silly, but it took me a few years to figure it out. ; P

the biking thing

2005-05-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

I recently started bicycling to work; since my knee's got problems and I'm not in the best shape of my life, I've been alternating car and bike. I'm definitely jazzed about the biking thing--it's good for so many reasons:

It's good for my health.
I never feel like I get enough chances to enjoy the daylight hours now that I have a day job, and let's be honest, the last thing I want to do once I've driven home in my car is motivate myself to leave again.
It beats riding the stationary bike in the gym. Besides, exercise tends to be easier for me when it comes with a higher purpose, like getting to work and home.
I save gas, which is especially meaningful now that California gas prices are climbing.
I don't pollute.
The exercise helps stress.
Best of all, NO ROTTEN ROAD RAGE!

I did have a disturbing thought as I biked over a bridge crossing a 10 lane freeway, like, what if eventually freeways and cars get upgraded to the way they are in Minority Report, with the capsules going vertically and in all directions? How the heck am I going to continue biking to work?? The transition will creep up on us slowly; it's already started with the traffic light sensors that don't recognize bicycles. How embarrassing for me the newbie to hang out by myself at an intersection for 17 years with my office really only 2 blocks away, only to eventually have to sling my remaining dignity over to the corner to push the pedestrian cross button.

Anyway, I think everyone could benefit from biking to work, as long as they're not prohibitively far away from it. My 2c.

One score and three years ago...

2005-05-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

...I began an endeavour which I now manifest here--to find that thing called love. Not romantic love, to be specific, but the all encompassing love that is the stem of everything good, everything positive, that I've encountered in life. Call it karma, call it mojo (mojo? did I really just say that?), call it whatever, I am converging towards that sweet stuff and I gotta do what I can to keep going there. Hah...didn't mean for it to sound so...ahem. But since my current career doesn't seem to give me the fulfillment I need in this respect, I hereby pronounce this blog to be the record and sometimes vehicle to my ongoinglife mission.

Anyway, enough with the declaration of moi. I seriously don't always take myself so seriously...but I had to start the blog somehow. Keep it real, people. Love ya!